Singleness and Spirituality(11Nov2011)
Series: Relationships M1 11 11 06
Speakers: Ken Shigematsu and Kirsten Rumary
Title: Singleness and Spirituality
Text: 1 Corinthians 7:25-35
BIG IDEA: Singleness offers a vacancy in our heart for the Lord and a unique freedom to serve him.
Connections Dinner announcement:
Introduction
In an episode of the popular TV show Friends, a crotchety neighbour named Mr. Heckles dies and leaves everything “to the two noisy girls in the apartment above mine, Monica and Rachel.” (Show photo)
As his friends go through his apartment they find memorabilia that includes Heckles’ old high school yearbook. They find out that Heckles was the class clown, played the clarinet in the band and was extremely picky about the women he dated—just like Chandler.
show photo of Chandler (next photo) only if the video does not work
(USE PHOTO OF CHANDLER ONLY IF VIDEO DOESN’T WORK).
Chandler goes into a personal crisis because he sees that Heckles’ finicky dating habits kept him alone all his life. Heckles had kept pictures of women he dated with comments about why he rejected them: “too tall,” “big gums,” “too smart,” “too loud,” “makes noise when she eats.”
“This is me!” Chandler exclaims. “This is what I do! I am going to end up alone, just like he did.” “Come on, Heckles was a nut case,” Joey reassures Chandler. “Our trains are on the same track. Okay?” Chandler responds. “Yeah, I am coming up 30 years behind him. All the stops are the same! Aloneville, Bittertown, Hermit Junction!” (show video) Chandler says, “And now I have to get a snake! I am going to be a lonely old man. I am going to need a thing! I’ll be the crazy man with the snake…crazy snakeman. And I’ll get more snakes and call them my babies. Kids won’t walk past my place. They will run away from crazy snakeman.”
For Chandler the worst that could possibly happen to him is to grow old and die alone.
While Chandler’s feelings are amusing to us because they are so extreme, many people resonate with his concerns. Am I going to die alone? What if I never find somebody or a community to become part of?
The Scriptures do NOT share Chandler’s feeling that being single is a catastrophe. In fact, the Scriptures, in the New Testament in particular, honour the single life. It is really clear from the teaching of the New Testament that we have the freedom to remain single. We have the freedom to marry if we have desire and the opportunity to do so. But we also have the freedom to choose stay single.
Many people in ancient Israel, who lived who lived in what we would call Old Testament part of the Bible, did not feel free to remain single. Singleness for them in a real way felt synonymous with death and extinction. But now through the teaching of Jesus the unique son of God on the reality of a world to come, we are now truly free to be married, but we are also truly free to choose singleness.
Most of the people at Tenth Church, like most of the people in Vancouver and most of the people in North America, as of a few years ago, according to the New York Times, are single. And for those of us here who are married, the chances are that one day we will be single again, either through a possible divorce as much as we would not want that to happen about half of all marriages end in divorce, or through the death of our spouse. Occasionally a couple dies at exactly the same time—plane crash—but that is rare.
Jesus clearly taught that in the world to come people will not be married to each other – there is only a marriage between God and his people. This is hard to hear for people who are happily married to hear. But in the world to come I won't be Sakiko's husband; she won’t be my wife – we will be married to God. According to the Scriptures, the most enduring relationships that we have are not husband and wife but as brother and sister – as siblings in Christ.
And so I believe this message on singleness and spirituality as we begin the three-week series on relationships has relevance for all of us.
If you married and/or if you have children, we would like to invite you to our conference two weekends from now with Paul and Virginia Friesen.
The New Testament not only affirms our freedom to remain single in a way that wasn’t as true in the Old Testament times, but ennobles the single life. When God became a human being in Jesus Christ, he chose to remain single. One of the greatest people of history, the Apostle Paul, was a single man.
If you have your Bibles, please turn to 1 Corinthians 7: 25:
25 Now about virgins: I have no command from the Lord, but I give a judgment as one who by the Lord’s mercy is trustworthy. 26 Because of the present crisis, I think that it is good for a man to remain as he is. 27 Are you pledged to a woman? Do not seek to be released. Are you free from such a commitment? Do not look for a wife. 28 But if you do marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. But those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this.
29 What I mean, brothers and sisters, is that the time is short. From now on those who are married should live as if they were not; 30 those who mourn, as if they did not; those who are happy, as if they were not; those who buy something, as if it were not theirs to keep; 31 those who use the things of the world, as if not engrossed in them. For this world in its present form is passing away.
32 I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs—how he can please the Lord. 33 But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife— 34 and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. 35 I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord.
In verse 25 when Paul talks about virgins, he is referring to single people who have not been married. In their culture, unlike ours, people, particularly women who were not married, were virgins (and this is why the term virgin and unmarried were used interchangeably Paul's world).
Paul prefaces his comments in verse 26 by talking about this present crisis. Paul, along with many Jewish people of his day, anticipated a time of great suffering. They expected the world, at least as they knew it, to end. And of course with the siege of Jerusalem in the year 70 A.D., the Roman army led by the future emperor Titus besieged and conquered the city of Jerusalem. The siege led to the destruction of the famous temple in Jerusalem.
In the light of this, and in times of great periods of suffering in general, for example in wartime, when it was very possible to lose your spouse and children, the same kind of bias toward singleness and not having children applies. That’s why Paul says, “Because of this present crisis I think that it is good if a man or a woman is single to remain as they are.” He counsels people, “In this present crisis do not look for a spouse.” But he also says in verse 28: “But if you do not marry, you have not sinned.”
Then in verse 32, Paul says:
An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs—how he can please the Lord. 33 But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife— 34 and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband.
Clearing Paul is honoring the choice people might make to remain single – particularly given the present crisis that was facing his world.
Choosing to remain single is an honorable choice before God.
During spring break in my first year of undergrad, I went on a mission trip to South Carolina. We were there to help build a school for some underprivileged children in the African-American part of the community. One night around the fire pit, I noticed how the pastor who was leading the mission trip, a person whom I really admired, was unable to interact with the students on the mission trip because he had to look after two of his toddlers who were with him on the trip. He obviously had to attend to them. I remember watching this and praying “Lord, if you want me to remain single, I am open to that. If this would be best, lead me in that direction. Or if you want me to be married but to not have any children of our own, please lead me in that direction.” I wasn't consciously thinking of First Corinthians 7 at the time, but I intuited that as a single person or as a person without children of my own I might be freer to serve the Lord.
I was briefly engaged in my late 20s, but we broke up – she didn't feel led to move our relationship toward marriage and I didn't feel I wanted to keep dating her. When I became pastor here is a single person, as you might imagine, I knew that it would be difficult and complicated to date given my role. This is still back in the mid-1990s when eHarmony didn't exist. So I thought well maybe I will be single. And though there were struggles at times of loneliness, there was also great freedom (freedom that I can more fully appreciate looking back).
Then I got married. Just over year into our marriage Sakiko became pregnant and experienced a pregnancy complication which made us think that it would be difficult for us to have a child. It was hard at first, but then we embraced what we thought was our destiny and enjoyed the intimacy and the freedom of a married couple without children.
(And then to our great surprise along came Joey. And while parenting is rich in its own way, who also lost some of the freedoms we had before and while our marriages blessed. We’ve missed some of the unique closeness that a couple can have when they don't have children or are empty-nesters).
And speaking as one who is happily married and grateful to be a parent, I can also see why certain people choose to remain single, or married but not have kids. There are gifts and those stations of life.
A woman from our community here at Tenth named Beth Allinger served as a single missionary in India and Nepal for nearly 40 years. She has shared with me personally but also in public settings how as a younger woman here in Vancouver she had several suitors – young man who wanted to marry her, but who didn't share her vision to serve the Lord in South Asia. So she chose to remain single.
John Stott was a very respected pastor in England who recently died. His writings, teaching and a couple of personal conversations with him have had a great impact on my life. John Stott remained single throughout his life. According to a friend who asked him about his singleness, Stott never felt a particular call to singleness, but he never felt called to be married either.
John Stott also said, “The liberty of singleness is that single people experience the great joy of being able to devote themselves, with concentration and without distraction, to the work of the LORD.”
Single people have a special freedom to serve God and other people in a much more focused way. So if you're single, are you using your freedom in this way?
As will be true in the life to come, single people now have a special vacancy in their heart for God.
I recently read a beautiful book entitled The Long Retreat by Andrew Krivak. (Show jacket cover and photo)
Andrew Krivak was a poet, and an ocean lifeguard, who felt led to pursue the long retreat of entering into a process to become a Catholic priest and to join the order of the Jesuits. Near the end of his 8-year training, rather inconveniently, but rather naturally and beautifully, while he was studying at a seminary in Boston, he met a young woman named Amelia who had recently completed her undergraduate degree at Harvard and to whom he became attracted, and she like Andrew was deeply devoted to God.
In his memoir he writes: “Maybe it was her willingness to listen. Maybe it was the fact that she was so cute, with her silky ponytail, green eyes and wide grin. I began to test caution and let myself feel the desire that I had for so long pushed down inside, a feeling that I was being handed something I was certain I had lost forever, a loss of my own making. I committed it to prayer every day.”
As their friendship grew through their cautious gestures of friendship, a mutual affection was clearly deepening.
One day they were sitting on a stone bench and Andrew asked the question, “What is this we are feeling? Is it love?” She breathed out a prayer-like sigh. “It is,” she said, “at least for me.” And they watched swans float like white schooners across the lake.
And one day as they were standing along the banks of the inky Charles River which runs along Harvard College, Andrew looked into the river, took a breath and said nothing. And then he said this: “I think I never believed that anyone could love me without one day walking away,” Andrew said, looking into the water. “Not because of any great trauma. I guess because of those collective moments we have all had. After enough time, priesthood seemed like the best guarantee.” Then he turned to her, “I belong to somewhere or to someone, and that someone would be God. Love would be my love to Christ and you have to admit it’s a pull that’s pretty compelling.”
We have the freedom to choose singleness.
If you are unmarried, or if you are married without children, in some cases those are chosen states. In other cases they are not voluntarily chosen but are the result of circumstances. My friend Catherine from seminary shared with that from the time she was a young girl she wanted to remain single, to not become a biological mother, so that like Mother Teresa every child could become her child.
But, there can be real disappointment around these circumstances for some single or married people without children who didn’t choose these stations in life. But these states, whether voluntary or not, also provide a freedom with which to love and to serve God and others.
It’s different if you have chosen that particular path versus being on that path through circumstance you have not. But as Jesus and Paul affirm there are unique freedoms and gifts on that path.
KIRSTEN RUMARY:
At this time I am going to invite Kirsten Rumary to come forward. Kirsten is a long-time member of the Tenth community and she is going to share part of her journey with us today.
Singles Talk at Tenth – November 2011
My story:
_ Singleness
o Talk at Tenth on Freedom and Loneliness
_ Three years ago, I had the opportunity to speak on singleness here at Tenth. I had been thinking about the topic for a while, and decided to do a “survey” of other singles for fun, to find out what was the “best and worst” things about being single. After sorting through hundreds of replies, I distilled that the best thing single people enjoyed was freedom in all areas of life, and the worst thing was perceived loneliness. POWERPOINT.
_ So I decided to explore how Jesus dealt with the freedom and loneliness he would have known, being a single man in ancient peasant Hebrew society, and I spoke about how it helped me to embrace my singleness and the call to discipleship in a greater way - to choose to let Jesus' life inform HOW I live in my singleness. That is a pretty broad topic, there's so much more I could and did say three years ago, so if you'd enjoy reading that you can find it on Ken's Message Blog in the month of November 2008.
_ Today Ken has shared about the benefits of choosing singleness, I want to talk about my experience of NOT choosing it.
_ Engagement
o Craig
_ Since that time three years ago, I started dating a man I had known for a number of years through work connections. I really liked him. He really liked me! The way he communicated his affection for me was so extravagant I felt like being a plant being watered – it affirmed me in a way I had never experienced in relationship to a man before.
_ Christmas of 2009 we got engaged, and the whirlwind of wedding planning and pre-marital counseling sessions began. Three months after our engagement, my fiancé and friend that I loved, panicked and broke off our engagement very suddenly with little warning (two phone calls in a 24-hour period), and then refused to speak to me.
_ As you can imagine, this sudden and unexpected break was a terrible shock. In trying to explain that time in my life, it was as though I was in a boxing ring and someone hit me with a knockout punch. For a while I was just down for the count, I couldn’t even get up, and thank God for my family and friends who rallied around me and loved and supported me until I could feel and believe that I was on firm enough footing again.
_ Singleness
o This current undesired state of affairs
_ So here I find myself, a year-and-a-half later, in a position that not only did I not choose for myself but that I do not want to be in. This was NOT where I thought my life would be today. I’m supposed to be living in another country, doing work I love with someone I love, building a life together. The opportunity has been thrust upon me to think about my life and my singleness in an even deeper way (the same truths about freedom and loneliness and how Jesus' life informs how I choose to live still applies – but the questions I’m asking now are closer to my heart).
_ Am I significant? Do I matter?
_ Am I lovable? The man who said he couldn’t imagine being with anyone but me, walked away from me - is there something wrong with me?
_ Would it make a difference if I decided to be with just anyone now, so that I wouldn't have to be alone?
o Transition:
_ Now, I realize my story is singular in that it’s an extreme situation that not everyone would have experienced, but I think it is universal in that at the core of it, many of us who are single find ourselves so without necessarily wanting to be there, and we are faced with some of the questions I’ve posed, among others
_ Even though New Testament writers (like Paul) commend the state of singleness, it would seem that few are called to a life of celibacy in the modern-day church. (Celibacy as defined as the calling to choose never to marry in order to devote one’s life to God, as opposed to the calling to all believers to abstinence while unmarried, according to the scriptures). So I would make that distinction.
_ So for those of us who are undesirably single, how do we embrace God’s call on our lives while single – not assuming we are called to singleness for life?
_ (I want to be clear about one thing - I’m not saying God broke up my engagement because His call is for me to be single. Sometimes circumstances of life ambush us and it can be difficult to understand why things happen. Well-meaning people can default to saying “you know, Kirsten maybe it’s just God’s will that you be single.” (Or that this or that happened to you) I don’t equate what happened as God’s will for my life. I think a decision was made out of fear that impacted my life and placed me in the situation I now find myself in.)
_ Tragedy happens. Disappointment happens. It’s not necessarily God’s will, but can I still choose to respond to him in the midst of this place I find myself in?
_
The Comfort of Mary’s Story
_ As I was thinking about speaking today, a friend suggested that I read the story of Mary, the mother of Jesus, and her experience of having her “life interrupted”. His words: go for coffee and “take time” with Mary. As I did that I found her story strangely comforting.
26 In the sixth month of Elizabeth’s pregnancy, God sent the angel Gabriel to Nazareth, a town in Galilee, 27 to a virgin pledged to be married to a man named Joseph, a descendant of David. The virgin’s name was Mary. 28 The angel went to her and said, “Greetings, you who are highly favored! The Lord is with you.”
29 Mary was greatly troubled at his words and wondered what kind of greeting this might be. 30 But the angel said to her, “Do not be afraid, Mary; you have found favor with God. 31 You will conceive and give birth to a son, and you are to call him Jesus.32 He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High. The Lord God will give him the throne of his father David, 33 and he will reign over Jacob’s descendants forever; his kingdom will never end.”
34 “How will this be,” Mary asked the angel, “since I am a virgin?”
35 The angel answered, “The Holy Spirit will come on you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you. So the holy one to be born will be called[b] the Son of God. 36 Even Elizabeth your relative is going to have a child in her old age, and she who was said to be unable to conceive is in her sixth month. 37For no word from God will ever fail.”
38 “I am the Lord’s servant,” Mary answered. “May your word to me be fulfilled.” Then the angel left her.
_ Mary finds herself in these circumstances that are “strange and troubling”, enough so that the angel takes the time to reassure her.
_ Then the angel gives her this news about what is going to happen to her, this miraculous work of God. We have the advantage of looking back 2000 years and seeing the whole story of Jesus’ life and the outcome that we all benefit from, but for Mary in that moment, her life has just been interrupted with an invitation she didn’t ask for, with circumstances she couldn’t have foreseen, an interruption that would have had significant consequences for her life:
o Some she would have known
_ The social backlash to getting pregnant in the “betrothal period” (technically married for one year, but not yet having sex) – the cultural shame and potential punishment
_ Fiancé had the right to leave her and there was the possibility of severe punishment
o Some she wouldn’t have known
_ Couldn’t have known they would have to flee for their lives when Herod ordered all babies under 2 to die
_ Couldn’t have known that she would watch her son die
_ Still, Mary chooses to open herself to the invitation to let God’s plan be carried out through her
o Opens up her emptiness (womb) to be filled by God
o Her choice to embrace the circumstances and possible consequences of this offer changes the whole world – mother of the Savior
o Her response to the angel seems so simple, but I can’t imagine that it was just a naïve response of a young girl who didn’t know better. This is what comforts me: that she chose a difficult thing for her own life that we get to know the wonderful outcome of. She didn’t run from the circumstances she found herself in, she didn’t curl up in fear and hide; she didn’t complain and worry and fret. She chose to be open.
_ In light of her response, I am wondering: can I be responsive to God’s call in my life as I find it now and be open to Him in the troubling circumstances I find myself in? This is not something I have perfected by any stretch of the imagination. I’m doing my best as I go.
_ 3 areas where I sense God calling to me right now are:
o Choosing a more intimate love-relationship with Him.
o Choosing what kind of work I will do in the second half of my life
o Choosing to build on the relationships I will have
_ Choosing to build intimacy with him: I’ve been seeing a spiritual director, someone who is helping me to look/listen for God’s “movements” in my life, and how to be responsive to that movement.
o For example, I am a very tactile person, so she is teaching me how to respond physically when I sense God’s presence close to me by creating something with my hands. I'm not this fabulous artist, by any stretch, but there is something about using my hands that helps me feel like I am talking to God, just not using words, and I experience it as being very intimate between Him and I.
_ I’ve also chosen to see a counselor to look at how the loss of my fiancé has affected me, so that my intimacy with God isn’t clouded or impeded by the trauma of that. Our experiences of hurt from the past can carry over into the way we relate to God, (if we perceive that God arbitrarily allowed the situation to happen or that it's His will that we only know loss), and I want to keep making sure that I don’t see God through that distorted lens of human hurt.
_ These two things are a means of building intimacy with him that are easier for me to devote my time to, because I am single
_ In terms of my vocational calling, in light of the fact that I won’t have my own children and the legacy of a family, the value of what I choose to do is taking on an even greater importance to me.
_ This isn’t to say that married people don’t do valuable work or have that desire – but sometimes they don’t have the freedom because they have to take into account what their spouse wants to do and they have to provide for their children (my parents).
_ I have tremendous freedom to choose what I want to do and respond to God calling me to a particular kind of work.
o For example, in the last year I got an offer to take a particular career path that would guarantee an increase in income, but I actually feel called to the work I'm doing now and it gives me the opportunity to contribute to others in a way that feels more significant.
o Again, if I had a family, I might not have as much freedom to choose in this way.
_ Lastly, in choosing to build relationships, I can find that difficult or disappointing as an aging single person. I choose to be in a small group where I can grow and be challenged in my walk with God, and I do have a few close friendships, but I struggle with feeling my “aloneness”. I can get caught up in feeling that only a marriage relationship is going to meet my need to not be alone. How I see my relationships as a single person must shift or I am in danger of becoming embittered by what I don’t have. Any time I choose to live as a “have not” the enemy has access to tempt me to choose less than God’s best for me, to try to meet my needs outside of God’s provision for my life. (I think of Adam and Eve, and the enemy tempts them with the one thing they can’t have, making them feel as if they were “have nots”, that God was holding out on them).
_ I have to choose to build on what I do have, the relationships I do have, and not let bitterness and envy take over in my heart, or I'm in danger of becoming a bitter, shriveled-up old lady. God in His tenderness invites me to choose to come close to Him if I start to travel down "Bitterness Road" and let HIM water and affirm me.
_ I believe that for every single person here today, God is wanting to draw close to you and water you
So In Closing – Come Back to the Angel’s First Words to Mary:
_ It’s significant that his first words are words of affirmation, reassurance, and then affirmation again
o We know that every human being needs to know the depth of their value – everyone here needs to know that they are prized possessions in the eyes of God.
o But I believe for the purposes of today's talk that the single people here need to know at a core gut-level, as people who stand alone, that they are "enough" and that they are "chosen".
o I have to know in my core that the answer to my question: “Am I lovable?” is YES. I have to own that YES from God alone. (My family and friends were a huge part of my recovery after the breakup - I felt their love in a very tangible way) but that deeper knowing of my worth must come in relationship to God alone or my tendency will be to find my core value, my identity, in other places in my life (like work and relationships to men)
o Before Mary hears anything about what is to come, she is affirmed, reassured, and affirmed again. Even Jesus at his baptism is affirmed by God, before scripture records him doing anything of great significance. If God felt it important to affirm Mary and Jesus, how much more would He know that I need to hear those words, know them in my gut, particularly if I am going to choose to follow him with integrity as a single person, and invite deeper intimacy with Him in these circumstances I didn't choose for my life.
PRAYER
Speakers: Ken Shigematsu and Kirsten Rumary
Title: Singleness and Spirituality
Text: 1 Corinthians 7:25-35
BIG IDEA: Singleness offers a vacancy in our heart for the Lord and a unique freedom to serve him.
Connections Dinner announcement:
Introduction
In an episode of the popular TV show Friends, a crotchety neighbour named Mr. Heckles dies and leaves everything “to the two noisy girls in the apartment above mine, Monica and Rachel.” (Show photo)
As his friends go through his apartment they find memorabilia that includes Heckles’ old high school yearbook. They find out that Heckles was the class clown, played the clarinet in the band and was extremely picky about the women he dated—just like Chandler.
show photo of Chandler (next photo) only if the video does not work
(USE PHOTO OF CHANDLER ONLY IF VIDEO DOESN’T WORK).
Chandler goes into a personal crisis because he sees that Heckles’ finicky dating habits kept him alone all his life. Heckles had kept pictures of women he dated with comments about why he rejected them: “too tall,” “big gums,” “too smart,” “too loud,” “makes noise when she eats.”
“This is me!” Chandler exclaims. “This is what I do! I am going to end up alone, just like he did.” “Come on, Heckles was a nut case,” Joey reassures Chandler. “Our trains are on the same track. Okay?” Chandler responds. “Yeah, I am coming up 30 years behind him. All the stops are the same! Aloneville, Bittertown, Hermit Junction!” (show video) Chandler says, “And now I have to get a snake! I am going to be a lonely old man. I am going to need a thing! I’ll be the crazy man with the snake…crazy snakeman. And I’ll get more snakes and call them my babies. Kids won’t walk past my place. They will run away from crazy snakeman.”
For Chandler the worst that could possibly happen to him is to grow old and die alone.
While Chandler’s feelings are amusing to us because they are so extreme, many people resonate with his concerns. Am I going to die alone? What if I never find somebody or a community to become part of?
The Scriptures do NOT share Chandler’s feeling that being single is a catastrophe. In fact, the Scriptures, in the New Testament in particular, honour the single life. It is really clear from the teaching of the New Testament that we have the freedom to remain single. We have the freedom to marry if we have desire and the opportunity to do so. But we also have the freedom to choose stay single.
Many people in ancient Israel, who lived who lived in what we would call Old Testament part of the Bible, did not feel free to remain single. Singleness for them in a real way felt synonymous with death and extinction. But now through the teaching of Jesus the unique son of God on the reality of a world to come, we are now truly free to be married, but we are also truly free to choose singleness.
Most of the people at Tenth Church, like most of the people in Vancouver and most of the people in North America, as of a few years ago, according to the New York Times, are single. And for those of us here who are married, the chances are that one day we will be single again, either through a possible divorce as much as we would not want that to happen about half of all marriages end in divorce, or through the death of our spouse. Occasionally a couple dies at exactly the same time—plane crash—but that is rare.
Jesus clearly taught that in the world to come people will not be married to each other – there is only a marriage between God and his people. This is hard to hear for people who are happily married to hear. But in the world to come I won't be Sakiko's husband; she won’t be my wife – we will be married to God. According to the Scriptures, the most enduring relationships that we have are not husband and wife but as brother and sister – as siblings in Christ.
And so I believe this message on singleness and spirituality as we begin the three-week series on relationships has relevance for all of us.
If you married and/or if you have children, we would like to invite you to our conference two weekends from now with Paul and Virginia Friesen.
The New Testament not only affirms our freedom to remain single in a way that wasn’t as true in the Old Testament times, but ennobles the single life. When God became a human being in Jesus Christ, he chose to remain single. One of the greatest people of history, the Apostle Paul, was a single man.
If you have your Bibles, please turn to 1 Corinthians 7: 25:
25 Now about virgins: I have no command from the Lord, but I give a judgment as one who by the Lord’s mercy is trustworthy. 26 Because of the present crisis, I think that it is good for a man to remain as he is. 27 Are you pledged to a woman? Do not seek to be released. Are you free from such a commitment? Do not look for a wife. 28 But if you do marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. But those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this.
29 What I mean, brothers and sisters, is that the time is short. From now on those who are married should live as if they were not; 30 those who mourn, as if they did not; those who are happy, as if they were not; those who buy something, as if it were not theirs to keep; 31 those who use the things of the world, as if not engrossed in them. For this world in its present form is passing away.
32 I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs—how he can please the Lord. 33 But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife— 34 and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. 35 I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord.
In verse 25 when Paul talks about virgins, he is referring to single people who have not been married. In their culture, unlike ours, people, particularly women who were not married, were virgins (and this is why the term virgin and unmarried were used interchangeably Paul's world).
Paul prefaces his comments in verse 26 by talking about this present crisis. Paul, along with many Jewish people of his day, anticipated a time of great suffering. They expected the world, at least as they knew it, to end. And of course with the siege of Jerusalem in the year 70 A.D., the Roman army led by the future emperor Titus besieged and conquered the city of Jerusalem. The siege led to the destruction of the famous temple in Jerusalem.
In the light of this, and in times of great periods of suffering in general, for example in wartime, when it was very possible to lose your spouse and children, the same kind of bias toward singleness and not having children applies. That’s why Paul says, “Because of this present crisis I think that it is good if a man or a woman is single to remain as they are.” He counsels people, “In this present crisis do not look for a spouse.” But he also says in verse 28: “But if you do not marry, you have not sinned.”
Then in verse 32, Paul says:
An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs—how he can please the Lord. 33 But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife— 34 and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband.
Clearing Paul is honoring the choice people might make to remain single – particularly given the present crisis that was facing his world.
Choosing to remain single is an honorable choice before God.
During spring break in my first year of undergrad, I went on a mission trip to South Carolina. We were there to help build a school for some underprivileged children in the African-American part of the community. One night around the fire pit, I noticed how the pastor who was leading the mission trip, a person whom I really admired, was unable to interact with the students on the mission trip because he had to look after two of his toddlers who were with him on the trip. He obviously had to attend to them. I remember watching this and praying “Lord, if you want me to remain single, I am open to that. If this would be best, lead me in that direction. Or if you want me to be married but to not have any children of our own, please lead me in that direction.” I wasn't consciously thinking of First Corinthians 7 at the time, but I intuited that as a single person or as a person without children of my own I might be freer to serve the Lord.
I was briefly engaged in my late 20s, but we broke up – she didn't feel led to move our relationship toward marriage and I didn't feel I wanted to keep dating her. When I became pastor here is a single person, as you might imagine, I knew that it would be difficult and complicated to date given my role. This is still back in the mid-1990s when eHarmony didn't exist. So I thought well maybe I will be single. And though there were struggles at times of loneliness, there was also great freedom (freedom that I can more fully appreciate looking back).
Then I got married. Just over year into our marriage Sakiko became pregnant and experienced a pregnancy complication which made us think that it would be difficult for us to have a child. It was hard at first, but then we embraced what we thought was our destiny and enjoyed the intimacy and the freedom of a married couple without children.
(And then to our great surprise along came Joey. And while parenting is rich in its own way, who also lost some of the freedoms we had before and while our marriages blessed. We’ve missed some of the unique closeness that a couple can have when they don't have children or are empty-nesters).
And speaking as one who is happily married and grateful to be a parent, I can also see why certain people choose to remain single, or married but not have kids. There are gifts and those stations of life.
A woman from our community here at Tenth named Beth Allinger served as a single missionary in India and Nepal for nearly 40 years. She has shared with me personally but also in public settings how as a younger woman here in Vancouver she had several suitors – young man who wanted to marry her, but who didn't share her vision to serve the Lord in South Asia. So she chose to remain single.
John Stott was a very respected pastor in England who recently died. His writings, teaching and a couple of personal conversations with him have had a great impact on my life. John Stott remained single throughout his life. According to a friend who asked him about his singleness, Stott never felt a particular call to singleness, but he never felt called to be married either.
John Stott also said, “The liberty of singleness is that single people experience the great joy of being able to devote themselves, with concentration and without distraction, to the work of the LORD.”
Single people have a special freedom to serve God and other people in a much more focused way. So if you're single, are you using your freedom in this way?
As will be true in the life to come, single people now have a special vacancy in their heart for God.
I recently read a beautiful book entitled The Long Retreat by Andrew Krivak. (Show jacket cover and photo)
Andrew Krivak was a poet, and an ocean lifeguard, who felt led to pursue the long retreat of entering into a process to become a Catholic priest and to join the order of the Jesuits. Near the end of his 8-year training, rather inconveniently, but rather naturally and beautifully, while he was studying at a seminary in Boston, he met a young woman named Amelia who had recently completed her undergraduate degree at Harvard and to whom he became attracted, and she like Andrew was deeply devoted to God.
In his memoir he writes: “Maybe it was her willingness to listen. Maybe it was the fact that she was so cute, with her silky ponytail, green eyes and wide grin. I began to test caution and let myself feel the desire that I had for so long pushed down inside, a feeling that I was being handed something I was certain I had lost forever, a loss of my own making. I committed it to prayer every day.”
As their friendship grew through their cautious gestures of friendship, a mutual affection was clearly deepening.
One day they were sitting on a stone bench and Andrew asked the question, “What is this we are feeling? Is it love?” She breathed out a prayer-like sigh. “It is,” she said, “at least for me.” And they watched swans float like white schooners across the lake.
And one day as they were standing along the banks of the inky Charles River which runs along Harvard College, Andrew looked into the river, took a breath and said nothing. And then he said this: “I think I never believed that anyone could love me without one day walking away,” Andrew said, looking into the water. “Not because of any great trauma. I guess because of those collective moments we have all had. After enough time, priesthood seemed like the best guarantee.” Then he turned to her, “I belong to somewhere or to someone, and that someone would be God. Love would be my love to Christ and you have to admit it’s a pull that’s pretty compelling.”
We have the freedom to choose singleness.
If you are unmarried, or if you are married without children, in some cases those are chosen states. In other cases they are not voluntarily chosen but are the result of circumstances. My friend Catherine from seminary shared with that from the time she was a young girl she wanted to remain single, to not become a biological mother, so that like Mother Teresa every child could become her child.
But, there can be real disappointment around these circumstances for some single or married people without children who didn’t choose these stations in life. But these states, whether voluntary or not, also provide a freedom with which to love and to serve God and others.
It’s different if you have chosen that particular path versus being on that path through circumstance you have not. But as Jesus and Paul affirm there are unique freedoms and gifts on that path.
KIRSTEN RUMARY:
At this time I am going to invite Kirsten Rumary to come forward. Kirsten is a long-time member of the Tenth community and she is going to share part of her journey with us today.
Singles Talk at Tenth – November 2011
My story:
_ Singleness
o Talk at Tenth on Freedom and Loneliness
_ Three years ago, I had the opportunity to speak on singleness here at Tenth. I had been thinking about the topic for a while, and decided to do a “survey” of other singles for fun, to find out what was the “best and worst” things about being single. After sorting through hundreds of replies, I distilled that the best thing single people enjoyed was freedom in all areas of life, and the worst thing was perceived loneliness. POWERPOINT.
_ So I decided to explore how Jesus dealt with the freedom and loneliness he would have known, being a single man in ancient peasant Hebrew society, and I spoke about how it helped me to embrace my singleness and the call to discipleship in a greater way - to choose to let Jesus' life inform HOW I live in my singleness. That is a pretty broad topic, there's so much more I could and did say three years ago, so if you'd enjoy reading that you can find it on Ken's Message Blog in the month of November 2008.
_ Today Ken has shared about the benefits of choosing singleness, I want to talk about my experience of NOT choosing it.
_ Engagement
o Craig
_ Since that time three years ago, I started dating a man I had known for a number of years through work connections. I really liked him. He really liked me! The way he communicated his affection for me was so extravagant I felt like being a plant being watered – it affirmed me in a way I had never experienced in relationship to a man before.
_ Christmas of 2009 we got engaged, and the whirlwind of wedding planning and pre-marital counseling sessions began. Three months after our engagement, my fiancé and friend that I loved, panicked and broke off our engagement very suddenly with little warning (two phone calls in a 24-hour period), and then refused to speak to me.
_ As you can imagine, this sudden and unexpected break was a terrible shock. In trying to explain that time in my life, it was as though I was in a boxing ring and someone hit me with a knockout punch. For a while I was just down for the count, I couldn’t even get up, and thank God for my family and friends who rallied around me and loved and supported me until I could feel and believe that I was on firm enough footing again.
_ Singleness
o This current undesired state of affairs
_ So here I find myself, a year-and-a-half later, in a position that not only did I not choose for myself but that I do not want to be in. This was NOT where I thought my life would be today. I’m supposed to be living in another country, doing work I love with someone I love, building a life together. The opportunity has been thrust upon me to think about my life and my singleness in an even deeper way (the same truths about freedom and loneliness and how Jesus' life informs how I choose to live still applies – but the questions I’m asking now are closer to my heart).
_ Am I significant? Do I matter?
_ Am I lovable? The man who said he couldn’t imagine being with anyone but me, walked away from me - is there something wrong with me?
_ Would it make a difference if I decided to be with just anyone now, so that I wouldn't have to be alone?
o Transition:
_ Now, I realize my story is singular in that it’s an extreme situation that not everyone would have experienced, but I think it is universal in that at the core of it, many of us who are single find ourselves so without necessarily wanting to be there, and we are faced with some of the questions I’ve posed, among others
_ Even though New Testament writers (like Paul) commend the state of singleness, it would seem that few are called to a life of celibacy in the modern-day church. (Celibacy as defined as the calling to choose never to marry in order to devote one’s life to God, as opposed to the calling to all believers to abstinence while unmarried, according to the scriptures). So I would make that distinction.
_ So for those of us who are undesirably single, how do we embrace God’s call on our lives while single – not assuming we are called to singleness for life?
_ (I want to be clear about one thing - I’m not saying God broke up my engagement because His call is for me to be single. Sometimes circumstances of life ambush us and it can be difficult to understand why things happen. Well-meaning people can default to saying “you know, Kirsten maybe it’s just God’s will that you be single.” (Or that this or that happened to you) I don’t equate what happened as God’s will for my life. I think a decision was made out of fear that impacted my life and placed me in the situation I now find myself in.)
_ Tragedy happens. Disappointment happens. It’s not necessarily God’s will, but can I still choose to respond to him in the midst of this place I find myself in?
_
The Comfort of Mary’s Story
_ As I was thinking about speaking today, a friend suggested that I read the story of Mary, the mother of Jesus, and her experience of having her “life interrupted”. His words: go for coffee and “take time” with Mary. As I did that I found her story strangely comforting.
26 In the sixth month of Elizabeth’s pregnancy, God sent the angel Gabriel to Nazareth, a town in Galilee, 27 to a virgin pledged to be married to a man named Joseph, a descendant of David. The virgin’s name was Mary. 28 The angel went to her and said, “Greetings, you who are highly favored! The Lord is with you.”
29 Mary was greatly troubled at his words and wondered what kind of greeting this might be. 30 But the angel said to her, “Do not be afraid, Mary; you have found favor with God. 31 You will conceive and give birth to a son, and you are to call him Jesus.32 He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High. The Lord God will give him the throne of his father David, 33 and he will reign over Jacob’s descendants forever; his kingdom will never end.”
34 “How will this be,” Mary asked the angel, “since I am a virgin?”
35 The angel answered, “The Holy Spirit will come on you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you. So the holy one to be born will be called[b] the Son of God. 36 Even Elizabeth your relative is going to have a child in her old age, and she who was said to be unable to conceive is in her sixth month. 37For no word from God will ever fail.”
38 “I am the Lord’s servant,” Mary answered. “May your word to me be fulfilled.” Then the angel left her.
_ Mary finds herself in these circumstances that are “strange and troubling”, enough so that the angel takes the time to reassure her.
_ Then the angel gives her this news about what is going to happen to her, this miraculous work of God. We have the advantage of looking back 2000 years and seeing the whole story of Jesus’ life and the outcome that we all benefit from, but for Mary in that moment, her life has just been interrupted with an invitation she didn’t ask for, with circumstances she couldn’t have foreseen, an interruption that would have had significant consequences for her life:
o Some she would have known
_ The social backlash to getting pregnant in the “betrothal period” (technically married for one year, but not yet having sex) – the cultural shame and potential punishment
_ Fiancé had the right to leave her and there was the possibility of severe punishment
o Some she wouldn’t have known
_ Couldn’t have known they would have to flee for their lives when Herod ordered all babies under 2 to die
_ Couldn’t have known that she would watch her son die
_ Still, Mary chooses to open herself to the invitation to let God’s plan be carried out through her
o Opens up her emptiness (womb) to be filled by God
o Her choice to embrace the circumstances and possible consequences of this offer changes the whole world – mother of the Savior
o Her response to the angel seems so simple, but I can’t imagine that it was just a naïve response of a young girl who didn’t know better. This is what comforts me: that she chose a difficult thing for her own life that we get to know the wonderful outcome of. She didn’t run from the circumstances she found herself in, she didn’t curl up in fear and hide; she didn’t complain and worry and fret. She chose to be open.
_ In light of her response, I am wondering: can I be responsive to God’s call in my life as I find it now and be open to Him in the troubling circumstances I find myself in? This is not something I have perfected by any stretch of the imagination. I’m doing my best as I go.
_ 3 areas where I sense God calling to me right now are:
o Choosing a more intimate love-relationship with Him.
o Choosing what kind of work I will do in the second half of my life
o Choosing to build on the relationships I will have
_ Choosing to build intimacy with him: I’ve been seeing a spiritual director, someone who is helping me to look/listen for God’s “movements” in my life, and how to be responsive to that movement.
o For example, I am a very tactile person, so she is teaching me how to respond physically when I sense God’s presence close to me by creating something with my hands. I'm not this fabulous artist, by any stretch, but there is something about using my hands that helps me feel like I am talking to God, just not using words, and I experience it as being very intimate between Him and I.
_ I’ve also chosen to see a counselor to look at how the loss of my fiancé has affected me, so that my intimacy with God isn’t clouded or impeded by the trauma of that. Our experiences of hurt from the past can carry over into the way we relate to God, (if we perceive that God arbitrarily allowed the situation to happen or that it's His will that we only know loss), and I want to keep making sure that I don’t see God through that distorted lens of human hurt.
_ These two things are a means of building intimacy with him that are easier for me to devote my time to, because I am single
_ In terms of my vocational calling, in light of the fact that I won’t have my own children and the legacy of a family, the value of what I choose to do is taking on an even greater importance to me.
_ This isn’t to say that married people don’t do valuable work or have that desire – but sometimes they don’t have the freedom because they have to take into account what their spouse wants to do and they have to provide for their children (my parents).
_ I have tremendous freedom to choose what I want to do and respond to God calling me to a particular kind of work.
o For example, in the last year I got an offer to take a particular career path that would guarantee an increase in income, but I actually feel called to the work I'm doing now and it gives me the opportunity to contribute to others in a way that feels more significant.
o Again, if I had a family, I might not have as much freedom to choose in this way.
_ Lastly, in choosing to build relationships, I can find that difficult or disappointing as an aging single person. I choose to be in a small group where I can grow and be challenged in my walk with God, and I do have a few close friendships, but I struggle with feeling my “aloneness”. I can get caught up in feeling that only a marriage relationship is going to meet my need to not be alone. How I see my relationships as a single person must shift or I am in danger of becoming embittered by what I don’t have. Any time I choose to live as a “have not” the enemy has access to tempt me to choose less than God’s best for me, to try to meet my needs outside of God’s provision for my life. (I think of Adam and Eve, and the enemy tempts them with the one thing they can’t have, making them feel as if they were “have nots”, that God was holding out on them).
_ I have to choose to build on what I do have, the relationships I do have, and not let bitterness and envy take over in my heart, or I'm in danger of becoming a bitter, shriveled-up old lady. God in His tenderness invites me to choose to come close to Him if I start to travel down "Bitterness Road" and let HIM water and affirm me.
_ I believe that for every single person here today, God is wanting to draw close to you and water you
So In Closing – Come Back to the Angel’s First Words to Mary:
_ It’s significant that his first words are words of affirmation, reassurance, and then affirmation again
o We know that every human being needs to know the depth of their value – everyone here needs to know that they are prized possessions in the eyes of God.
o But I believe for the purposes of today's talk that the single people here need to know at a core gut-level, as people who stand alone, that they are "enough" and that they are "chosen".
o I have to know in my core that the answer to my question: “Am I lovable?” is YES. I have to own that YES from God alone. (My family and friends were a huge part of my recovery after the breakup - I felt their love in a very tangible way) but that deeper knowing of my worth must come in relationship to God alone or my tendency will be to find my core value, my identity, in other places in my life (like work and relationships to men)
o Before Mary hears anything about what is to come, she is affirmed, reassured, and affirmed again. Even Jesus at his baptism is affirmed by God, before scripture records him doing anything of great significance. If God felt it important to affirm Mary and Jesus, how much more would He know that I need to hear those words, know them in my gut, particularly if I am going to choose to follow him with integrity as a single person, and invite deeper intimacy with Him in these circumstances I didn't choose for my life.
PRAYER
posted by Shigematsu at 9:04 AM
2 Comments:
I would like to comment from a singles perspective on the part of this talk which Ken gave. Kirsten did an excellent job and I was very impressed with her honesty and insight, so my comments here are for the first section. I have read through the notes as I did not have a positive reaction at first hearing some of this and wanted to ground myself before I allowed personal reactions (based more perhaps in my background than what was said or not said). Apologies if any of this becomes too reactionary. My primary disappointment was that the stigma was not addressed that in church marriage often seems a prize we should all attain and singleness is viewed as a state for those immature or “not yet marry-able”; also that the community we have as the Church was not offered as a means to address the loneliness we can feel as single people.
- Beginning with a story about someone who was too picky in their choice of girlfriend and ended dying alone... I get the feeling this did not have the effect you were wanting. My interpretation was more regarding the result of one’s pickiness in dating than an interpretation on singleness. Mr. Heckles technically chose to remain single, just not in a way that he may have imagined; so when we are “free to remain single” in Christ it really needs explaining how that is different.
- At most points in the talk, marriage is mentioned. It is a worthwhile state to achieve, equally worthwhile to singleness in my opinion (and in Paul’s it seems singleness is more desirable); however, it doesn’t need to be mentioned so often. My singleness gets pointed out enough in society by being labelled as “unmarried” (which obviously I have qualms with but that’s semantics), so I was hoping that we can talk about singleness without talking about marriage. I mean, I can talk about food without talking about starvation every time (bad analogy; better may be that people can talk all too much about marriage without saying a word about singleness). Context of Middle-Eastern society in Jesus’ time is fine, but I got the sense that it went a bit further than contextually necessary. From this observation alone I get the sense that the talk was developed with married people in mind. I’ve gotten to the point that I really do not want to have to gain assurance in my singleness by comparing it to marriage. If God is calling me to this way of life for however long He does (my whole life included), it’ll be due to the merits of singleness standing on their own and not in comparison to another way of living. I can’t live my life in anticipation of something God has not promised.
(Continued on next comment)
(Continued from previous)
- Could you expand on your experience of being single? It literally lasts a bit less than one paragraph before talking about “Then I got married”. What did you fill your time with? What struggles did you face and how did you address them? How did you find connection as a single person?
- I really did like the part about John Stott and his perspective, but it again lasts a very short time. How can we as single people serve God better? The question you asked, “are you using your freedom in this way?” is exceptionally valid but without instruction on what that way looks like, save perhaps for the examples of overseas missionaries...
- I got the sense that singleness is only “an honourable choice before God” when it involves people going on missions for the sake of the Gospel. Or going to seminary/into priesthood. Both are very worthwhile endeavours; however, I have no inclination for overseas missions or going to seminary. God may lead me in that direction one day, but He has given me enough to do where I am and in how I work to make me assured I do not need to be in a different place or sinking myself into theological matters.
Overall, I was not able to garner much hope from what was initially said (Kirsten was amazing). Perhaps my expectations are high or perhaps I’m mostly addressing what I feel was not said instead of focusing on the good points which were made. I just really would like to know that being single is equally valuable to the church and equally valued in the church as is marriage. The world already creates a heightened value of being in a relationship, increasing the pressure of worldly messages to be “hooked up”. I see churches all too often adopting this value and stating “we agree, but you need to follow our method of fulfilling that” instead of being possibly radical and saying “we value things differently and singleness is a blessed state to be in which we will continually affirm”. This is what you were saying at the beginning, I think, but I didn’t get this message from what was said. Looking at Kirsten’s side, I would be interested most in knowing how we (the Church) can help singles be affirmed in the questions of “am I significant?” “Do I matter?” and “Am I lovable?”. As long as you don’t say “oh, it’s alright, you’ll find someone eventually”, I think that would be just about as good as I can reasonably expect.
I really am thankful that Tenth addresses these issues at least once in awhile. I hope we can have an environment where the church as a whole can join with God in affirming His plan for all of us whether that plan means someone is single or not. Thanks for allowing me to be honest even if I’m possibly not getting all of what you wanted to communicate.
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