Message M4: Marriage and Singleness
Title: The Naked Truth About Sex
Text: Eph. 5: 31-32; 1 Cor. 6: 15-20
Big idea: God designed sex for the covenant of marriage.
(Mic stand for Kathleen…)
In an episode of the popular sitcom Friends, Monica is talking to a guy and she says, “Can we still be friends and have sex?” “Sure,” he replied. "It’ll just be something we do together--like playing racquetball.”
We intuitively know that sex is something that is quite different from racquetball…
Ronald Rolheiser the author of The Holy Longing says that sex is a powerful fire…
Sex can lead to ecstasy or to despair. It is the most powerful of all fires, the best of all fires, the most dangerous of all fires… and the fire which ultimately lies at the base of almost everything, including the spiritual life.
Sex powerfully shapes our spiritual lives.
Over the next two Sundays we will be exploring God’s perspective on sex and sexuality.
Please turn to Ephesians 5:31.
In Ephesians 5:31 Paul, quotes the passage from Genesis 2 which describes God bringing together Adam and Eve as the first husband and wife; and as God does so, he speaks of a man leaving his father and mother to be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.
31 "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh."
God describes here the essence of what happens here in marriage… a person leaves their parents, i.e., as we discussed last week in a relative sense he or she forsakes their parents so that the spouse can become the most important person in their lives and then unites with their marriage partner.
The uniting here that God described is consummated in sex.
Sex is a gift from God.
Some people view sex as shameful.
Some have experienced sex as painful or frustrating.
But God intends sex as a gift to us--a gift that brings joy and life and unites us body and soul with another human being.
God designed sex so that two people would become one.
God created sex as a unitive act that not only connects a man and a woman’s body, but also their souls.
God designed sex so that when a man and a woman came together physically in sexual union, there was also a powerful force that made them want to unite on every other level, as well.
Sex was designed so that when you give yourself to someone physically, you also want to give yourself emotionally, spiritually and economically.
Sex was designed such that when you get physically naked with someone you want to get naked in your soul with someone…
Now sex doesn’t always feel like it’s uniting us powerfully to another person, sometimes it feels just physical, but according to the one who designed sex, God, when a person has sex with another person he or she is becoming one flesh with them (if it doesn’t feel like it unites you to another person now, perhaps it did when you first started having sex or first started having sex with some you were in love with.)
I think we intuitively know that sex is more than just physical…
The reason Paul, says prohibits a person having sex with a prostitute is become he or she will become one that person in body and soul.
In 1 Corinthians 6:15-20:
15 Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never! 16 Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, "The two will become one flesh." [a] 17 But whoever is united with the Lord is one with him in spirit. [b]
18 Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins people commit are outside their bodies, but those who sin sexually sin against their own bodies. 19 Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; 20 you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.
The reason that Paul in 1Cor. 6 says that God prohibits our sexually uniting with a prostitute is because God, as Paul knows from the Genesis 2:24 text, says the two will become one flesh.
Therefore, Paul asks “Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said the two will become one flesh.”
We live in a world where people often talk about “casual sex.” Even sex with someone you don’t love, or that is not intense or meaningful, is never truly casual. There is still something very powerful and profound about it.
This is why when we hear about a child being sexually molested, we shudder.
We intuitively know that that child hasn’t just been violated physically, but on a spiritual level, too.
This is why when we read about a woman being given a date rape drug and then raped… we sense that something has been taken from her even though she may not be able to recall what happened.
(I am not suggesting here, of course, that those kinds of violations are morally equivalent to two consenting adults sleeping with each other… no, the violations I just spoke of are much worse, of course. I am simply saying that we know through those negative examples that sex is more than something physical).
In Tom Cruise’s movie, Vanilla Sky, starring Tom Cruise and Penelope Cruz, Tom Cruise has friendship with a woman played by Cameron Diaz. They tell each other that they are just friends, but time and time they do have sex together. But the character played by Diaz ends up getting really attached. She confronts him while they are riding in his car and she says, “Don’t you know that when you sleep with someone, your body makes a promise, whether you do or not?” The Diaz character in the movie is obsessive, but what she says nonetheless reflects the truth about sex, that when you have sex with someone your body makes a promise, whether you do or not.
Because sex was designed to make a promise to fuse you to another person in a powerful way, it makes sense that God commands us to reserve sex for the permanent and exclusive covenant of marriage.
Sex within the safety of a marriage covenant can offer powerful healing:
Christian psychiatrist John White says:
Erotic pleasure is the most superficial benefit of sex. It is the delight only of a moment. The bodily exposure that accompanies sex can be both profoundly symbolic and powerfully healing. It symbolizes the uncovering of our innermost selves, our deepest fears and yearnings. As I look tenderly on the body of another, and as I experience what it is to feel the tenderness of another’s caress and the delight of knowing I am loved as well as loving, it seems momentarily impossible to separate myself from my body, for the one who accepts my body also caresses with tenderness my inmost being or so it seems. So it makes sense that sexual relationships would be confined only to marriage for acceptance and disclosure are not the activities of a moment, but the delicate fabric of a lifetime’s weaving. Each time sex springs from casual encounters some of their life-healing nature is destroyed.
If we know of these truths about sex, then it should not surprise us at all when we read the surveys, they show that the people most satisfied in their sex lives are people who are married.
This seems counter-intuitive.
Our culture tells us that best sex occurs among young people who are not committed to each other, but the research shows that the most satisfying sex occurs within marriage.
Contrary to what Hollywood suggests, the most fulfilling sex takes place in the safety of a marriage covenant.
The most beautiful freedom occurs in a marriage covenant.
Like in our relationship with God, when we say no to other things, we will find ourselves most satisfied in God. So it is when we commit exclusively to our marriage partner, we will find ourselves most fulfilled. Sex can be an experience where we deeply bonded to our partner and where we renew our wedding vows.
How do we make the journey to the place of God’s intention for us sexually? Many of us here have not grown up with this kind of teaching. And certainly not the kind of counsel on sex you will receive in Maxim or Cosmo magazine.
At this time I want to invite Kathleen Morrissey to come forward, as she will share a part of her journey with us.
Healthy Single Sexuality
I came to Christ 8 years ago. I was raised as an atheist. My childhood home had a lot of abuse, and my parents were harshly critical. As a result, my heart longed for love and acceptance. As an adult I tried to fill those needs through sexual relationships. I longed for connection and for a deep love that would make me believe that I was acceptable, that I was lovable, that I belonged. The longing for connection is a God given need but how I chose to meet that need is where I went wrong. I discovered that a man can’t meet those needs, no matter how much he loves me. When I started attending church and came to believe in Jesus, I was still sexually active and I didn’t think there was anything wrong with it. Even though I had heard that premarital sex was a sin I decided that I wouldn’t change my behavior until I read in the Bible that I wasn’t supposed to act that way. At the time the only way that I read the Bible was to let it fall open at a page and I would read a few paragraphs. Well, within a couple of weeks of basically challenging God to prove to me that I wasn’t supposed to have premarital sex, the bible fell open to
1 Corinthians 6:12-20
"Everything is permissible for me"—but not everything is beneficial "Everything is permissible for me"—but I will not be mastered by anything. The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body. By his power God raised the Lord from the dead, and he will raise us also. Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never! Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, "The two will become one flesh." But he who unites himself with the Lord is one with him in spirit.
Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.
At that point I decided to abstain from sex until I got married.
I realized that having sex - even within a committed relationship - was wrong because if both of us valued our own desires over that of God’s it was more likely that within marriage one of us would also choose our own desires over the covenant of the marriage.
Once I had made a commitment to abstinence, I would have fail if God were not part of my plan. When we include God in our strategy, He is able to do exceedingly more than we ask, even beyond our imagination, because of His power working within us. As it says in Eph 3:20.
In the beginning of my “abstinence journey” I would fantasize about being married so I could have sex again. Or I would simply fantasize about sex. During the Living Waters course (which is a healing prayer ministry) it was brought to my attention that fantasy was wrong. This totally shocked me because I couldn’t see what harm I was doing to anyone. But as I focused on images of lust my longing increased and so did my frustration. Before long I would begin to feel like God was depriving me of what I wanted and I was tempted to sin. So as an experiment I decided that every time I found myself fantasizing about sex I would turn to Jesus. I would ask Him to be enough for me or I would simply call Him to mind. I soon recognized how much time in a day I spent hoping that things were different than they were. As I invited Jesus to interrupt my fantasies, things quickly changed. Within one week the temptation to fantasy stopped. It was as if Satan had been tempting me into this place that gave short term gratification and long term torment but as soon as I asked Jesus into this place it was defeating Satan’s plan because instead of drawing me away from Christ it was drawing me to Him so he stopped tempting me in this way and I no longer struggle with fantasy.
One night I had a dream that Matthew McConaughey wanted to sleep with me – I know only in my dreams. He kept saying things like come on I’m a movie star, I was voted the sexiest man alive, most women would jump at the chance. And I just kept saying “no”. Finally he said “Why not” and I said “because I love God more that I love you”. I think that is what it comes down to. I say that I love God but am I willing to choose to honor and respect Him? Am I willing to put His desires for my life before my own desires?
I don’t want to give the wrong impression here, I don’t feel called to be single. But I believe that while I am single I need to live in peace about how things are rather than what they are not. I chose to believe that God has good plans for me and that He will always be enough. Jeremiah 29:11 say: I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans to give you hope and a future.
Community was essential in my process of moving from being sexually active to abstinent. Having close friends helped ease my aloneness, I discovered that my friends love me and I can turn to them when I am struggling with literally anything. The more I shared with them the easier my struggles became.
They helped give me hope when I had given up hope for myself. When my friends who were more mature in Christ started to hope for me, they didn’t hope that I would get married; (although there is nothing wrong with praying for that) but they hoped that I would find peace in being single. For someone to hope that I would get married was like saying there is something wrong with being single which of course there’s not. It took time for me to learn to live with the hope and expectation of getting married without being disappointed or give up when it didn’t happen. God can still give me a full life and all the good things he has planned for me while I am still single.
Community also helped me see reality more clearly. I developed deep friendships with married women and through them I learned that the reality of marriage was nothing like my mind had imagined. My fantasy of marriage started to crumble. If I had entered into a marriage with my unrealistic expectations it would have been a disappointment and probably a failure. Even a good marriage has struggles. This is a good reminder when I see a romantic comedy; I can see it for the artificial Hollywood construct that it is and not try to compare my own life to it.
There have actually been some great benefits to abstinence.
1st. Sex is simply off the table. In conversations and relationships it’s just not an option so my energy is focused more on authentic connection. There is no energy wasted on sexual innuendo or on wondering what the sexual dynamics of the situation is.
Also, I can explore what is means to be fully a woman. It’s not about dressing to allure or create sexual desire. I can allow myself to be compassionate and caring without ulterior motives.
As well, after reading the passage in 1st Corinthians I realized why I always felt something had been taken from me when I slept with a man. I had become one with him and yet there was no marriage covenant between us. Sexuality is a God given gift but I used it as a tool to try and fill a need and in that way I removed all it’s beauty and purity. By abstaining from sex I avoid that feeling of emptiness and unloveliness and God can fill me with His truth.
(Take some time for silence).
As Kathleen shared, part of the way we move toward honoring God is to know that God intends sex to be shared in and only in the covenant of marriage.
Scripture is clear on this.
That this is God’s intention for us, for our good.
Kathleen also talked about how having connection with God and quality friendships helped her stay sexually chaste.
G.K. Chesterton has said every man who knocks on the door of a brothel is looking for God. Part of what can drive us to an unhealthy sexual connection with a person or through pornography or compulsive masturbation is a sense of loneliness that comes through a sense of being disconnected with God, people, or ourselves.
Having a healthy relationship with God and people can help us stay sexually pure.
When Kathleen was tempted through fantasy, she asked for Jesus to come and be enough for her. She also talked about cultivating deep friendships with other women.
These helped her in her journey toward sexual purity.
Third, I heard Kathleen taking about a desire to please God…
When Matthew McConaughey in Kathleen’s dream wanted to sleep with her… Kathleen declined by saying no “because I love God more that I love you”.
The passion to please God is a powerful motivator in keeping us sexually pure.
This is true both for single and the married person…
The dynamics of sexual purity for the married person is similar to the dynamics of sexual purity for the single person. The married person is called to a sexual one and just one person, the spouse. The single person is called to be sexually chaste, or a Kathleen said, to abstain. But the dynamics are similar. The single person refrains from sex, and the married refrains from sex with everyone, but his or her spouse.
Joseph refrained from sleeping with Potiphar’s wife in the book Genesis not because she didn’t have the body type he preferred, but because he didn’t want to sin against God by sleeping with her.
Some people say it is impossible to stay sexually chaste as a young single person or monogamous as a married person.
It is possible.
With God’s help it is possible.
I remember being in relationship with someone, and we were very honest. If it was not for our mutual commitment to God, we would have had sex by this time in our relationship.
It’s not easy to stay sexually pure, but it is possible with God’s help…
When are sexually pure, as Henri Nouwen says we become a sign of God’s faithfulness to the body of Christ.
What if you sinned sexually?
And who hasn’t at least to some degree in act or in thought?
Sometimes people will try to make you believe that God forgives sins, except sexual sins. But God forgives all sins and gives us a new beginning.
In Isaiah 1:18 God says:
18 "Come now, let us reason together,"
says the LORD.
"Though your sins are like scarlet,
they shall be as white as snow;
though they are red as crimson,
they shall be like wool.
In Psalms 103: 10-12 we read:
10 he does not treat us as our sins deserve
or repay us according to our iniquities.
11 For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear him;
12 as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.
God’s mercy leads us to repentance…
The issue is not so much the past, but what will we do now and from this day forward.
Prayer of confession:
25 I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean; I will cleanse you from all your impurities and from all your idols. 26 I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. 27 And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws.
Ezekiel 36
1
Title: The Naked Truth About Sex
Text: Eph. 5: 31-32; 1 Cor. 6: 15-20
Big idea: God designed sex for the covenant of marriage.
(Mic stand for Kathleen…)
In an episode of the popular sitcom Friends, Monica is talking to a guy and she says, “Can we still be friends and have sex?” “Sure,” he replied. "It’ll just be something we do together--like playing racquetball.”
We intuitively know that sex is something that is quite different from racquetball…
Ronald Rolheiser the author of The Holy Longing says that sex is a powerful fire…
Sex can lead to ecstasy or to despair. It is the most powerful of all fires, the best of all fires, the most dangerous of all fires… and the fire which ultimately lies at the base of almost everything, including the spiritual life.
Sex powerfully shapes our spiritual lives.
Over the next two Sundays we will be exploring God’s perspective on sex and sexuality.
Please turn to Ephesians 5:31.
In Ephesians 5:31 Paul, quotes the passage from Genesis 2 which describes God bringing together Adam and Eve as the first husband and wife; and as God does so, he speaks of a man leaving his father and mother to be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.
31 "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh."
God describes here the essence of what happens here in marriage… a person leaves their parents, i.e., as we discussed last week in a relative sense he or she forsakes their parents so that the spouse can become the most important person in their lives and then unites with their marriage partner.
The uniting here that God described is consummated in sex.
Sex is a gift from God.
Some people view sex as shameful.
Some have experienced sex as painful or frustrating.
But God intends sex as a gift to us--a gift that brings joy and life and unites us body and soul with another human being.
God designed sex so that two people would become one.
God created sex as a unitive act that not only connects a man and a woman’s body, but also their souls.
God designed sex so that when a man and a woman came together physically in sexual union, there was also a powerful force that made them want to unite on every other level, as well.
Sex was designed so that when you give yourself to someone physically, you also want to give yourself emotionally, spiritually and economically.
Sex was designed such that when you get physically naked with someone you want to get naked in your soul with someone…
Now sex doesn’t always feel like it’s uniting us powerfully to another person, sometimes it feels just physical, but according to the one who designed sex, God, when a person has sex with another person he or she is becoming one flesh with them (if it doesn’t feel like it unites you to another person now, perhaps it did when you first started having sex or first started having sex with some you were in love with.)
I think we intuitively know that sex is more than just physical…
The reason Paul, says prohibits a person having sex with a prostitute is become he or she will become one that person in body and soul.
In 1 Corinthians 6:15-20:
15 Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never! 16 Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, "The two will become one flesh." [a] 17 But whoever is united with the Lord is one with him in spirit. [b]
18 Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins people commit are outside their bodies, but those who sin sexually sin against their own bodies. 19 Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; 20 you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.
The reason that Paul in 1Cor. 6 says that God prohibits our sexually uniting with a prostitute is because God, as Paul knows from the Genesis 2:24 text, says the two will become one flesh.
Therefore, Paul asks “Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said the two will become one flesh.”
We live in a world where people often talk about “casual sex.” Even sex with someone you don’t love, or that is not intense or meaningful, is never truly casual. There is still something very powerful and profound about it.
This is why when we hear about a child being sexually molested, we shudder.
We intuitively know that that child hasn’t just been violated physically, but on a spiritual level, too.
This is why when we read about a woman being given a date rape drug and then raped… we sense that something has been taken from her even though she may not be able to recall what happened.
(I am not suggesting here, of course, that those kinds of violations are morally equivalent to two consenting adults sleeping with each other… no, the violations I just spoke of are much worse, of course. I am simply saying that we know through those negative examples that sex is more than something physical).
In Tom Cruise’s movie, Vanilla Sky, starring Tom Cruise and Penelope Cruz, Tom Cruise has friendship with a woman played by Cameron Diaz. They tell each other that they are just friends, but time and time they do have sex together. But the character played by Diaz ends up getting really attached. She confronts him while they are riding in his car and she says, “Don’t you know that when you sleep with someone, your body makes a promise, whether you do or not?” The Diaz character in the movie is obsessive, but what she says nonetheless reflects the truth about sex, that when you have sex with someone your body makes a promise, whether you do or not.
Because sex was designed to make a promise to fuse you to another person in a powerful way, it makes sense that God commands us to reserve sex for the permanent and exclusive covenant of marriage.
Sex within the safety of a marriage covenant can offer powerful healing:
Christian psychiatrist John White says:
Erotic pleasure is the most superficial benefit of sex. It is the delight only of a moment. The bodily exposure that accompanies sex can be both profoundly symbolic and powerfully healing. It symbolizes the uncovering of our innermost selves, our deepest fears and yearnings. As I look tenderly on the body of another, and as I experience what it is to feel the tenderness of another’s caress and the delight of knowing I am loved as well as loving, it seems momentarily impossible to separate myself from my body, for the one who accepts my body also caresses with tenderness my inmost being or so it seems. So it makes sense that sexual relationships would be confined only to marriage for acceptance and disclosure are not the activities of a moment, but the delicate fabric of a lifetime’s weaving. Each time sex springs from casual encounters some of their life-healing nature is destroyed.
If we know of these truths about sex, then it should not surprise us at all when we read the surveys, they show that the people most satisfied in their sex lives are people who are married.
This seems counter-intuitive.
Our culture tells us that best sex occurs among young people who are not committed to each other, but the research shows that the most satisfying sex occurs within marriage.
Contrary to what Hollywood suggests, the most fulfilling sex takes place in the safety of a marriage covenant.
The most beautiful freedom occurs in a marriage covenant.
Like in our relationship with God, when we say no to other things, we will find ourselves most satisfied in God. So it is when we commit exclusively to our marriage partner, we will find ourselves most fulfilled. Sex can be an experience where we deeply bonded to our partner and where we renew our wedding vows.
How do we make the journey to the place of God’s intention for us sexually? Many of us here have not grown up with this kind of teaching. And certainly not the kind of counsel on sex you will receive in Maxim or Cosmo magazine.
At this time I want to invite Kathleen Morrissey to come forward, as she will share a part of her journey with us.
Healthy Single Sexuality
I came to Christ 8 years ago. I was raised as an atheist. My childhood home had a lot of abuse, and my parents were harshly critical. As a result, my heart longed for love and acceptance. As an adult I tried to fill those needs through sexual relationships. I longed for connection and for a deep love that would make me believe that I was acceptable, that I was lovable, that I belonged. The longing for connection is a God given need but how I chose to meet that need is where I went wrong. I discovered that a man can’t meet those needs, no matter how much he loves me. When I started attending church and came to believe in Jesus, I was still sexually active and I didn’t think there was anything wrong with it. Even though I had heard that premarital sex was a sin I decided that I wouldn’t change my behavior until I read in the Bible that I wasn’t supposed to act that way. At the time the only way that I read the Bible was to let it fall open at a page and I would read a few paragraphs. Well, within a couple of weeks of basically challenging God to prove to me that I wasn’t supposed to have premarital sex, the bible fell open to
1 Corinthians 6:12-20
"Everything is permissible for me"—but not everything is beneficial "Everything is permissible for me"—but I will not be mastered by anything. The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body. By his power God raised the Lord from the dead, and he will raise us also. Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never! Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, "The two will become one flesh." But he who unites himself with the Lord is one with him in spirit.
Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.
At that point I decided to abstain from sex until I got married.
I realized that having sex - even within a committed relationship - was wrong because if both of us valued our own desires over that of God’s it was more likely that within marriage one of us would also choose our own desires over the covenant of the marriage.
Once I had made a commitment to abstinence, I would have fail if God were not part of my plan. When we include God in our strategy, He is able to do exceedingly more than we ask, even beyond our imagination, because of His power working within us. As it says in Eph 3:20.
In the beginning of my “abstinence journey” I would fantasize about being married so I could have sex again. Or I would simply fantasize about sex. During the Living Waters course (which is a healing prayer ministry) it was brought to my attention that fantasy was wrong. This totally shocked me because I couldn’t see what harm I was doing to anyone. But as I focused on images of lust my longing increased and so did my frustration. Before long I would begin to feel like God was depriving me of what I wanted and I was tempted to sin. So as an experiment I decided that every time I found myself fantasizing about sex I would turn to Jesus. I would ask Him to be enough for me or I would simply call Him to mind. I soon recognized how much time in a day I spent hoping that things were different than they were. As I invited Jesus to interrupt my fantasies, things quickly changed. Within one week the temptation to fantasy stopped. It was as if Satan had been tempting me into this place that gave short term gratification and long term torment but as soon as I asked Jesus into this place it was defeating Satan’s plan because instead of drawing me away from Christ it was drawing me to Him so he stopped tempting me in this way and I no longer struggle with fantasy.
One night I had a dream that Matthew McConaughey wanted to sleep with me – I know only in my dreams. He kept saying things like come on I’m a movie star, I was voted the sexiest man alive, most women would jump at the chance. And I just kept saying “no”. Finally he said “Why not” and I said “because I love God more that I love you”. I think that is what it comes down to. I say that I love God but am I willing to choose to honor and respect Him? Am I willing to put His desires for my life before my own desires?
I don’t want to give the wrong impression here, I don’t feel called to be single. But I believe that while I am single I need to live in peace about how things are rather than what they are not. I chose to believe that God has good plans for me and that He will always be enough. Jeremiah 29:11 say: I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans to give you hope and a future.
Community was essential in my process of moving from being sexually active to abstinent. Having close friends helped ease my aloneness, I discovered that my friends love me and I can turn to them when I am struggling with literally anything. The more I shared with them the easier my struggles became.
They helped give me hope when I had given up hope for myself. When my friends who were more mature in Christ started to hope for me, they didn’t hope that I would get married; (although there is nothing wrong with praying for that) but they hoped that I would find peace in being single. For someone to hope that I would get married was like saying there is something wrong with being single which of course there’s not. It took time for me to learn to live with the hope and expectation of getting married without being disappointed or give up when it didn’t happen. God can still give me a full life and all the good things he has planned for me while I am still single.
Community also helped me see reality more clearly. I developed deep friendships with married women and through them I learned that the reality of marriage was nothing like my mind had imagined. My fantasy of marriage started to crumble. If I had entered into a marriage with my unrealistic expectations it would have been a disappointment and probably a failure. Even a good marriage has struggles. This is a good reminder when I see a romantic comedy; I can see it for the artificial Hollywood construct that it is and not try to compare my own life to it.
There have actually been some great benefits to abstinence.
1st. Sex is simply off the table. In conversations and relationships it’s just not an option so my energy is focused more on authentic connection. There is no energy wasted on sexual innuendo or on wondering what the sexual dynamics of the situation is.
Also, I can explore what is means to be fully a woman. It’s not about dressing to allure or create sexual desire. I can allow myself to be compassionate and caring without ulterior motives.
As well, after reading the passage in 1st Corinthians I realized why I always felt something had been taken from me when I slept with a man. I had become one with him and yet there was no marriage covenant between us. Sexuality is a God given gift but I used it as a tool to try and fill a need and in that way I removed all it’s beauty and purity. By abstaining from sex I avoid that feeling of emptiness and unloveliness and God can fill me with His truth.
(Take some time for silence).
As Kathleen shared, part of the way we move toward honoring God is to know that God intends sex to be shared in and only in the covenant of marriage.
Scripture is clear on this.
That this is God’s intention for us, for our good.
Kathleen also talked about how having connection with God and quality friendships helped her stay sexually chaste.
G.K. Chesterton has said every man who knocks on the door of a brothel is looking for God. Part of what can drive us to an unhealthy sexual connection with a person or through pornography or compulsive masturbation is a sense of loneliness that comes through a sense of being disconnected with God, people, or ourselves.
Having a healthy relationship with God and people can help us stay sexually pure.
When Kathleen was tempted through fantasy, she asked for Jesus to come and be enough for her. She also talked about cultivating deep friendships with other women.
These helped her in her journey toward sexual purity.
Third, I heard Kathleen taking about a desire to please God…
When Matthew McConaughey in Kathleen’s dream wanted to sleep with her… Kathleen declined by saying no “because I love God more that I love you”.
The passion to please God is a powerful motivator in keeping us sexually pure.
This is true both for single and the married person…
The dynamics of sexual purity for the married person is similar to the dynamics of sexual purity for the single person. The married person is called to a sexual one and just one person, the spouse. The single person is called to be sexually chaste, or a Kathleen said, to abstain. But the dynamics are similar. The single person refrains from sex, and the married refrains from sex with everyone, but his or her spouse.
Joseph refrained from sleeping with Potiphar’s wife in the book Genesis not because she didn’t have the body type he preferred, but because he didn’t want to sin against God by sleeping with her.
Some people say it is impossible to stay sexually chaste as a young single person or monogamous as a married person.
It is possible.
With God’s help it is possible.
I remember being in relationship with someone, and we were very honest. If it was not for our mutual commitment to God, we would have had sex by this time in our relationship.
It’s not easy to stay sexually pure, but it is possible with God’s help…
When are sexually pure, as Henri Nouwen says we become a sign of God’s faithfulness to the body of Christ.
What if you sinned sexually?
And who hasn’t at least to some degree in act or in thought?
Sometimes people will try to make you believe that God forgives sins, except sexual sins. But God forgives all sins and gives us a new beginning.
In Isaiah 1:18 God says:
18 "Come now, let us reason together,"
says the LORD.
"Though your sins are like scarlet,
they shall be as white as snow;
though they are red as crimson,
they shall be like wool.
In Psalms 103: 10-12 we read:
10 he does not treat us as our sins deserve
or repay us according to our iniquities.
11 For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear him;
12 as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.
God’s mercy leads us to repentance…
The issue is not so much the past, but what will we do now and from this day forward.
Prayer of confession:
25 I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean; I will cleanse you from all your impurities and from all your idols. 26 I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. 27 And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws.
Ezekiel 36
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posted by Shigematsu at 11:56 AM
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