Anger: November 12, 2006
ANGER, November 12, 2006
BIG Idea: Deal with anger wisely and become whole,
Deal with anger foolishly and disintegrate
Drama lead in by Craig Erickson (on anger)…
Whether we know it or not--we all experience anger in one way or another.
Some of us are not aware of our anger because we “stuff” our anger.
You may have grown up in a home where anger was not considered an “acceptable” emotion. So from the time you were a young child you may have been burying your anger so you could be a “good boy” or “good girl.”
Or you may have been raised in a conservative culture where if you were a woman it was unacceptable for you to express your anger… for you to express your anger as a woman would risk being labelled as being “bitchy.”
Stuffers may stuff their anger so well, they may not even be aware of their anger. In fact, stuffers tend to pride themselves for not being angry. You ask a stuffer, “How are you?” They say, “I’m doing fine” (even if they’re not).
But burying anger doesn’t get rid of it. It’s like burying toxic waste. When the canisters of poisons are buried in the ground, people often assume the problem is gone… But those canisters leak and people start to get sick… and then their symptoms are traced back to the canisters of poison that have been seeping out of those tanks…
As we know, anger can lead to all kinds of health problems… high blood pressure, heart attacks; strokes… I came across a source past week that asserted that anger is worse for your health than anxiety, sorrow, or work-related stress.
Stuffing anger can harm relationships as the person burying it is going to be more irritable, moody, and more likely to act in a passive aggressive manner—meaning they show aggression by intentionally procrastinating… by doing something for a person. You can be an active bully, you can also be a passive bully too!
There are anger “stuffers” and then there are anger “spewers”… spewers have
no problems letting their anger fly…. They will shout at people, their pets, slam doors, punch walls… but they tend to leave people, pets and things hurt in the wake of their anger…
Spewers hurt themselves… by spewing their anger…
If you find yourself yelling at people saying, “You’re killing me…”
The irony is that you’re actually killing yourself… you may be significantly increasing the chance of your having heart disease… and you may well be decreasing the span of your life…
Proverbs 29:11 says that a fool gives full vent to his or her anger, but a wise person stays self-controlled…
Have you ever felt like a fool when you just given vent to you anger?
Why do you feel that way? Well, according to Proverbs it is because you’ve just been a fool. I’ve there done that!
If you have your Bibles, please turn to Proverbs 14:29-30
29 Those who are patient have great understanding,
but the quick-tempered display folly.
30 A heart at peace gives life to the body,
but envy rots the bones.
Pray.
The word “patient” in vs. 29 here the original Hebrew means “to relax one’s facial muscles.” It’s used outside of the Proverbs 10 times and every time refers to God as being patient and slow to anger.
The person who is patient and relaxed when wronged is like God… who is slow to anger.
The person who is quick tempered, literally “short of spirit” reveals their folly.
Vs. 30 tells us that a heart at peace gives life to the body,
but envy rots the bones.
The word envy is literally “hot passion” and can be translated envy or resentment and leads to the rotting of the bones—meaning physical, mental, and spiritual breakdown… As you know and as we’ve already pointed out anger undermines our health.
Anger can hurt us and others, but not all anger is bad. Like fire anger can be a great source of energy, but like fire it can also destroy.
Some anger is justified.
As we see in the Scriptures, God gets angry… we see Jesus gets angry… if God, gets angry and Jesus gets angry it can’t be sinful as God and Jesus don’t sin.
The Bible in Ephesians 4:26 points out that it’s possible to be angry and not sin… Anger against injustice, anger over the fact that someone has been wrongly hurt are righteous forms of anger…
Not only is it possible to not be angry and not sin, it’s possible to sin by not being angry.
John Chrysostom, an eloquent preacher, in the 4th century said,
A person that is angry without cause sins.
A person that is not angry with cause sins.
Presbyterian minister Tim Keller says not “no anger”, not “blow” anger, but “slow anger. Because the Bible says God is slow to anger…. not “no anger,” not “blow anger,” but “slow anger.”
So anger is not necessarily sinful.
Anger can also be an important indicator of what is going on inside…
Anger helps us to monitor what’s going on inside us.
When your finger touches a hot element you feel pain and you pull back, pain serves as warning for you to draw your hand back… and anger can serve like that too… it serves as a kind of inner “ow” than can cause to realize that we are to pull back and appropriately protect ourselves because we’ve been hurt…
As Dr. Paul Brand points out in his book Pain: The Gift Nobody Wants points out people with leprosy don’t have “bad flesh.” They lack the ability to feel pain. Because they can’t feel pain they wound themselves without knowing it.
Anger like physical pain can alert to the fact that something is wrong and in this sense can be a gift in that it helps to make the necessary adjustment for our well being.
Anger can give us energy to work for some kind of positive end
AND AT THIS TIME I’M GOING TO INVITE MY COLLEAGUE MARDI DOLFO –SMITH TO SHARE:
I grew up in a family where I was not allowed to express anger – and it got to a point where I actually had a hard time telling that I was angry or what I was angry about – my anger was submerged because it was an unacceptable feeling.
In many ways – my inability to identify anger and to express it positively left me in a vulnerable state. Whenever I felt angry – I thought it was my fault and the way to deal with it was by changing me.
In my early twenties, I got involved with a Christian organization that was very goal oriented. People tended to be used by the organization rather than being cared for by it, and many left this ministry with their faith in Jesus shaken or destroyed. At the time I began to work for them, there was an older man – about my father’s age, who appeared to have a really radical faith committed to reaching out to people with the good news of Jesus. I really respected and admired him, but this man had a darker side. He mistreated many young people - through controlling, shaming and emotional abuse and he began to sexually harass me. Over a period of 4 years he made sexual comments and inappropriate sexual come ons to me. Now, as an adult – I think why didn’t I just stand up to him – and say Stop! At the time – I felt embarrassed, humiliated and angered by his statements but I remained silent. At first I thought that I must be misreading his comments and I tried to avoid him. Eventually the anger and hopelessness turned inward and I became depressed .
Finally, I talked to a pastor, and she told me that what he was doing was called sexual harassment and if he was doing it to me he was doing it to others. I went up for prayer at the end of that church service, and at last, God enabled me to have clarity on what was happening to me – and I felt really angry – angry that this man had betrayed his trusted position. As I began to talk to other women about it, I realized that it wasn’t just me that he was doing this to, but he was sexually harassing others as well. Now as I look back, I’m amazed – most of the other women who were sexually harassed were in their late 20’s and 30’s and none of them said anything – none of them protected me – they just avoided him and suppressed their anger.
At that point my anger burned against this leader and what he had done to me and what he had done to other women for many years. This anger gave me the energy to overcome my hesitation – and I became a whistle blower – I reported this man’s behaviour to his immediate supervisor and he was removed from his contact with staff.
My anger – had overridden my need to protect myself, to look like a good person, to worry about how this complaint would affect my reputation and enabled me to step out – to defend what was right, to stand up against corruption in the Christian community and protect other women, even women who were older than me.
This incident began a process of changing how I dealt with my anger – it enabled me to see the power for good that properly dealing with anger could have in my life, and in the lives of others. For many of us appropriately dealing with anger – will become our backbone – which will enable us to face difficult unjust situations in our lives, and in the lives of others – God will use this kind of anger to bring his justice, just as we saw in the life of Jesus as he was angered by the religious leader of the time (Matt 23) and he went into the temple and overturned the tables of the corrupt money changers.
Lewis Smedes says healthy anger drives us to do something to change what makes us angry; anger can energize us to make things better. Hate does not want to change things for the better; it wants to make things worse.
Like fire anger can be very constructive, and like fire anger can also be damaging…
Deal with anger wisely and become whole, deal with anger foolishly and disintegrate
So, we want to look at how we deal with destructive anger…
We’re going to explore four ways to deal with anger 1) one way is to identify the source of the anger, 2) a second way is to change the situation, 3) a third way is to gain perspective, a fourth is through self-care, and finally we’ll talk about receiving the love of God…
I’M GOING TO INVITE MY COLLEAGUE MARDI DOLFO SMITH TO COME AND SHARE ON INDENTIFYING THE SOURCE OF YOUR ANGER AND CHANGING A SITUATION.
After this incident - I thought my feelings of anger would go away – and I’d be okay - but I really struggled with forgiveness and with moving past the betrayal and anger that I felt. I also was struggling with God – expressing my anger towards him for letting the abuse and harassment happen to me.
It continued to affect my relationship with God and with the church. I was seeing a counselor at the time – who suggested that perhaps this incident was tapping into some pre-existing issues in my life – but I thought she was wrong. And then I talked to a prof at Regent who suggested I write a paper on anger – a spiritual mentor who said- you seem really angry and a friend – who after observing me in worship – said – I’ve never seen anyone who looks as angry as you do in worship.
I started to think – maybe I am an angry person - - as Proverbs 24 describes – I didn’t yell – or hit people or things but there was a burning feeling inside of me – I didn’t want to be angry – I was afraid that would cause me to lose friends and the respect of those around me – (I was becoming a scary person) and so I began to look at some of the sources of anger in my life.
1. first I’m of Irish/Italian descent – two cultures known for their fiery tempers
2. My Irish grandpa was a man filled with rage – I actually was in the car with him during a road rage event – when he was in his late 80’s – he was furious at a younger driver passing him – shook his fist at him and began to accelerate in an attempt to repass him.
3. My Italian Grandma – a wonderful woman who I still miss – but you didn’t want to make her mad -– for 25 years her anger burned against a sister who ‘d offended her – even on my grandma’s death bed – she would not let go of the anger.
4. Parents – who, although would not let us express anger in any form – frequently went into what I experienced as rages
5. Unexpressed feelings of fear, grief and sadness, growing up in a home that was filled with anger, control and unexpected violent behaviour
6. Choices that I felt forced to make – to never express my anger – to keep my face blank, - my feelings began to become disconnected from events and by the time I hit adulthood – I didn’t know what I felt, or why I felt it – my feelings had become disconnected from my mind and from experience.
As I began to deal with these sources of anger - grieving, inviting God into places of pain and anger, forgiving those who had hurt, allowing myself to feel my feelings, speaking out in controlled and well thought through ways when I was angry. Talking to God about my anger and inviting him to bring healing.
Even now – sometimes I feel angry and I have no idea why – I have to sit down – and think through my day – what happened, why might I be feeling this way What might God be revealing to me in this situation?
How is my personhood being violated here?
What valid needs of mine are not being met?
As I listen to my feelings of anger and respect them – I can deal with different situations and move past them.
Most of the time what makes me feel angry are not huge issues but small things that I can easily make changes regarding.
The easiest way to deal with anger is to deal with the situation that’s causing the anger. Toni and I owned a house in our late 20’s with my best friend and her husband – the situation was not working out – our communication went wrong things blew up, they were making subtle threats about taking legal action and Toni and I sold our part of the house and moved – we lost the home that we’d come to love, we lost some other great neighbours, our kids lost their friends – all when I was 7 months pregnant and Toni had just started a new company.
I was furious at my former best friend for how she’d handled the situation – but every time I saw her – at my doctor’s office, or at the grocery store she’d smile and say hi and ask me how I was doing – this made me even madder and I’d go home and think of all the ways she’d offended me and how I’d never told her and how could she fake being friendly when there was so much unsaid between us. This went on for about 1½ years til finally I’d had it. I asked her to meet me – with a mediator and we talked through our offences – we apologized for different points of misunderstanding and I was able to forgive her. After that, when I saw her my anger was dissipated – I could join with her in a friendly greeting – I don’t think that I could ever have done this if I didn’t actually deal with what had gone wrong in our friendship. In this situation we could not restore what we’d lost but we could face it together and release it.
Most of us will be unable to let our anger go until we deal with the irritant that is provoking it.
3. A third way to deal with anger is by seeking to gain perspective…
Proverbs 14: 29 Those who are patient have great understanding, but the quick-tempered display folly.
Mardi has been talking about some huge issues: sexual harassment, family of origin issues, a very serious fight with her best friend, I don’t mean in any way to trivialize those very significant issues, but as Mardi points out sometimes in our day to day life our anger is triggered by a line in the grocery store that’s not moving and we’re in a hurry or our internet provider not working when we are really needing to send a email, or someone is insulting us in some way…
Sometimes it helps to become patient by getting perspective.
Sometimes, I’ll apply business writer Suzy Welch’s “10” “10” “10” rule.
Will this matter 10 minutes from now? 10 months from now? 10 years from now?
My mother would often raise the question with us kids when we were young and even now, especially after we’d experienced some kind of disappointment or failure… will this make a difference 10 years from now? Will it make a difference in eternity…?
Sometimes when I get angry at things, I find it helpful to ask, “Will this matter 10 months from now, 10 years from now, and for eternity?”
Getting perspective can help.
3. A third way to deal with anger is through proper self-care.
In the Gospels, Jesus calls us to be wise stewards of our life and resources. Parker Palmer says self-care is never a selfish act, it is simply the stewardship of the only gift we have to offer to the world.
Self-care is applicable for all, but especially if you’re wired to “fly off the handle.”
I know I can become more irritable, angry, aggressive, if I’m under great stress and not taking care of myself. I notice I drive more aggressively, speak to people with too much intensity… Simply put, I’m more likely to be a jerk when I’m under great stress and not taking care of myself.
When I am rested, exercising, eating well, spending time with God… I’m more relaxed… and mellow…
I know someone, who was told… if you’re angry all the time on the job, it’s time to leave the organization. He felt angry on the job, but felt really called to serve there and so he began taking better care of himself in all areas of his life and his anger subsided….
Self-care is never a selfish act, it is simply the stewardship of the only gift we have to offer the world.
4. A fourth way to deal with anger is to contemplate and receive the love of God…
Thomas Friedman in his insightful book The World is Flat argues that humiliation is the most underestimated force in international politics…
He says when people are humiliated they lash out in anger and extreme violence.
Friedman says when you take the economic and political backwardness of much of the Arab and Muslim world today and compare it to its past grandeur and religious superiority…
And then combine that with alienation these Muslim experience when they go to Europe you have a cocktail of rage.
This frustration creates a feeding system of Osama Bin Laden’s cause…
If they cannot be “tall” they look for tall buildings to bring down.
Feeling humiliated leads to anger and aggression, sometime of the worst order.
Conversely, feeling loved and honored, leads to loving and honoring others.
According to Dr. Susan Philips who teaches spiritual direction at San Francisco Seminary, if you want to help people move toward spiritual wholeness one of the greatest gifts you can give them is to simply listen to their journey and uphold them in the place of their belovedness. To deeply listen to a person and to uphold them in the place of their belovedness brings healing.
When we feel loved by someone, particularly someone who is significant to us it can heal us of our anger…and in other ways too.
Thomas Merton said that great saints were not those who loved much, but those who knew they were loved much by God.
When we deeply know we are loved by the most important person ever… when we know that the maker of all things, likes you… loves you… and became a human being and died on the Cross absorbing your sins on the Cross so that you might experience homecoming with God…
You’ll become a person who is healed from anger and able to forgive even when it’s costly to do so…
Corrie Ten Boom a Dutch Christian woman who had been involved in helping to hide Jews during World War II. She was caught and became a prisoner in Nazi concentration camp. 2 years after the war, Corrie Ten Boom was preaching in Germany in 1947 and she was approached by one of the cruelest, most abusive former Ravensbrück camp guards. Corrie sister Betsie had died in that notorious concentration camp. Corrie was reluctant to forgive him, but prayed that she would be able to. She wrote that she was then able to forgive, and said for a long moment we grasped each other's hands, the former guard and the former prisoner. I had never known God's love so intensely as I did then.
Sometimes it’s so difficult to forgive and let go, but when God’s love that flows through us we can do what we cannot do on our own.
When God’s love really becomes the central focus of our life (more than our education, our job, how we look, or some human relationship) as it was for Corrie Ten Boom. When the fact we are God’s beloved becomes our central identity, we will be on the road to experiencing healing from our anger and on the road to becoming whole.
Lets pray:
Is God calling you to let go of your anger and forgive someone perhaps like Corrie Ten Boom?
After Nelson Mandela was freed and became president of South Africa, Bill Clinton asked, “I know you invited your jailers to your inauguration. You put your persecutors in the government. But tell me the the truth, were there times when you felt angry all over again?”
Nelson Mandela replied: “Yes, I was angry, but when I felt the anger well up inside of me, I realized that if I hated them… then they would still have me.” “But, I wanted to be free, and so I let it go.”
Perhaps you want to hold on to your anger… but you sense God calling you to let go and forgive… and be free… take that anger and release it to God.
(The sermon can be heard on line at: http://www.tenth.ca/audio.htm)
BIG Idea: Deal with anger wisely and become whole,
Deal with anger foolishly and disintegrate
Drama lead in by Craig Erickson (on anger)…
Whether we know it or not--we all experience anger in one way or another.
Some of us are not aware of our anger because we “stuff” our anger.
You may have grown up in a home where anger was not considered an “acceptable” emotion. So from the time you were a young child you may have been burying your anger so you could be a “good boy” or “good girl.”
Or you may have been raised in a conservative culture where if you were a woman it was unacceptable for you to express your anger… for you to express your anger as a woman would risk being labelled as being “bitchy.”
Stuffers may stuff their anger so well, they may not even be aware of their anger. In fact, stuffers tend to pride themselves for not being angry. You ask a stuffer, “How are you?” They say, “I’m doing fine” (even if they’re not).
But burying anger doesn’t get rid of it. It’s like burying toxic waste. When the canisters of poisons are buried in the ground, people often assume the problem is gone… But those canisters leak and people start to get sick… and then their symptoms are traced back to the canisters of poison that have been seeping out of those tanks…
As we know, anger can lead to all kinds of health problems… high blood pressure, heart attacks; strokes… I came across a source past week that asserted that anger is worse for your health than anxiety, sorrow, or work-related stress.
Stuffing anger can harm relationships as the person burying it is going to be more irritable, moody, and more likely to act in a passive aggressive manner—meaning they show aggression by intentionally procrastinating… by doing something for a person. You can be an active bully, you can also be a passive bully too!
There are anger “stuffers” and then there are anger “spewers”… spewers have
no problems letting their anger fly…. They will shout at people, their pets, slam doors, punch walls… but they tend to leave people, pets and things hurt in the wake of their anger…
Spewers hurt themselves… by spewing their anger…
If you find yourself yelling at people saying, “You’re killing me…”
The irony is that you’re actually killing yourself… you may be significantly increasing the chance of your having heart disease… and you may well be decreasing the span of your life…
Proverbs 29:11 says that a fool gives full vent to his or her anger, but a wise person stays self-controlled…
Have you ever felt like a fool when you just given vent to you anger?
Why do you feel that way? Well, according to Proverbs it is because you’ve just been a fool. I’ve there done that!
If you have your Bibles, please turn to Proverbs 14:29-30
29 Those who are patient have great understanding,
but the quick-tempered display folly.
30 A heart at peace gives life to the body,
but envy rots the bones.
Pray.
The word “patient” in vs. 29 here the original Hebrew means “to relax one’s facial muscles.” It’s used outside of the Proverbs 10 times and every time refers to God as being patient and slow to anger.
The person who is patient and relaxed when wronged is like God… who is slow to anger.
The person who is quick tempered, literally “short of spirit” reveals their folly.
Vs. 30 tells us that a heart at peace gives life to the body,
but envy rots the bones.
The word envy is literally “hot passion” and can be translated envy or resentment and leads to the rotting of the bones—meaning physical, mental, and spiritual breakdown… As you know and as we’ve already pointed out anger undermines our health.
Anger can hurt us and others, but not all anger is bad. Like fire anger can be a great source of energy, but like fire it can also destroy.
Some anger is justified.
As we see in the Scriptures, God gets angry… we see Jesus gets angry… if God, gets angry and Jesus gets angry it can’t be sinful as God and Jesus don’t sin.
The Bible in Ephesians 4:26 points out that it’s possible to be angry and not sin… Anger against injustice, anger over the fact that someone has been wrongly hurt are righteous forms of anger…
Not only is it possible to not be angry and not sin, it’s possible to sin by not being angry.
John Chrysostom, an eloquent preacher, in the 4th century said,
A person that is angry without cause sins.
A person that is not angry with cause sins.
Presbyterian minister Tim Keller says not “no anger”, not “blow” anger, but “slow anger. Because the Bible says God is slow to anger…. not “no anger,” not “blow anger,” but “slow anger.”
So anger is not necessarily sinful.
Anger can also be an important indicator of what is going on inside…
Anger helps us to monitor what’s going on inside us.
When your finger touches a hot element you feel pain and you pull back, pain serves as warning for you to draw your hand back… and anger can serve like that too… it serves as a kind of inner “ow” than can cause to realize that we are to pull back and appropriately protect ourselves because we’ve been hurt…
As Dr. Paul Brand points out in his book Pain: The Gift Nobody Wants points out people with leprosy don’t have “bad flesh.” They lack the ability to feel pain. Because they can’t feel pain they wound themselves without knowing it.
Anger like physical pain can alert to the fact that something is wrong and in this sense can be a gift in that it helps to make the necessary adjustment for our well being.
Anger can give us energy to work for some kind of positive end
AND AT THIS TIME I’M GOING TO INVITE MY COLLEAGUE MARDI DOLFO –SMITH TO SHARE:
I grew up in a family where I was not allowed to express anger – and it got to a point where I actually had a hard time telling that I was angry or what I was angry about – my anger was submerged because it was an unacceptable feeling.
In many ways – my inability to identify anger and to express it positively left me in a vulnerable state. Whenever I felt angry – I thought it was my fault and the way to deal with it was by changing me.
In my early twenties, I got involved with a Christian organization that was very goal oriented. People tended to be used by the organization rather than being cared for by it, and many left this ministry with their faith in Jesus shaken or destroyed. At the time I began to work for them, there was an older man – about my father’s age, who appeared to have a really radical faith committed to reaching out to people with the good news of Jesus. I really respected and admired him, but this man had a darker side. He mistreated many young people - through controlling, shaming and emotional abuse and he began to sexually harass me. Over a period of 4 years he made sexual comments and inappropriate sexual come ons to me. Now, as an adult – I think why didn’t I just stand up to him – and say Stop! At the time – I felt embarrassed, humiliated and angered by his statements but I remained silent. At first I thought that I must be misreading his comments and I tried to avoid him. Eventually the anger and hopelessness turned inward and I became depressed .
Finally, I talked to a pastor, and she told me that what he was doing was called sexual harassment and if he was doing it to me he was doing it to others. I went up for prayer at the end of that church service, and at last, God enabled me to have clarity on what was happening to me – and I felt really angry – angry that this man had betrayed his trusted position. As I began to talk to other women about it, I realized that it wasn’t just me that he was doing this to, but he was sexually harassing others as well. Now as I look back, I’m amazed – most of the other women who were sexually harassed were in their late 20’s and 30’s and none of them said anything – none of them protected me – they just avoided him and suppressed their anger.
At that point my anger burned against this leader and what he had done to me and what he had done to other women for many years. This anger gave me the energy to overcome my hesitation – and I became a whistle blower – I reported this man’s behaviour to his immediate supervisor and he was removed from his contact with staff.
My anger – had overridden my need to protect myself, to look like a good person, to worry about how this complaint would affect my reputation and enabled me to step out – to defend what was right, to stand up against corruption in the Christian community and protect other women, even women who were older than me.
This incident began a process of changing how I dealt with my anger – it enabled me to see the power for good that properly dealing with anger could have in my life, and in the lives of others. For many of us appropriately dealing with anger – will become our backbone – which will enable us to face difficult unjust situations in our lives, and in the lives of others – God will use this kind of anger to bring his justice, just as we saw in the life of Jesus as he was angered by the religious leader of the time (Matt 23) and he went into the temple and overturned the tables of the corrupt money changers.
Lewis Smedes says healthy anger drives us to do something to change what makes us angry; anger can energize us to make things better. Hate does not want to change things for the better; it wants to make things worse.
Like fire anger can be very constructive, and like fire anger can also be damaging…
Deal with anger wisely and become whole, deal with anger foolishly and disintegrate
So, we want to look at how we deal with destructive anger…
We’re going to explore four ways to deal with anger 1) one way is to identify the source of the anger, 2) a second way is to change the situation, 3) a third way is to gain perspective, a fourth is through self-care, and finally we’ll talk about receiving the love of God…
I’M GOING TO INVITE MY COLLEAGUE MARDI DOLFO SMITH TO COME AND SHARE ON INDENTIFYING THE SOURCE OF YOUR ANGER AND CHANGING A SITUATION.
After this incident - I thought my feelings of anger would go away – and I’d be okay - but I really struggled with forgiveness and with moving past the betrayal and anger that I felt. I also was struggling with God – expressing my anger towards him for letting the abuse and harassment happen to me.
It continued to affect my relationship with God and with the church. I was seeing a counselor at the time – who suggested that perhaps this incident was tapping into some pre-existing issues in my life – but I thought she was wrong. And then I talked to a prof at Regent who suggested I write a paper on anger – a spiritual mentor who said- you seem really angry and a friend – who after observing me in worship – said – I’ve never seen anyone who looks as angry as you do in worship.
I started to think – maybe I am an angry person - - as Proverbs 24 describes – I didn’t yell – or hit people or things but there was a burning feeling inside of me – I didn’t want to be angry – I was afraid that would cause me to lose friends and the respect of those around me – (I was becoming a scary person) and so I began to look at some of the sources of anger in my life.
1. first I’m of Irish/Italian descent – two cultures known for their fiery tempers
2. My Irish grandpa was a man filled with rage – I actually was in the car with him during a road rage event – when he was in his late 80’s – he was furious at a younger driver passing him – shook his fist at him and began to accelerate in an attempt to repass him.
3. My Italian Grandma – a wonderful woman who I still miss – but you didn’t want to make her mad -– for 25 years her anger burned against a sister who ‘d offended her – even on my grandma’s death bed – she would not let go of the anger.
4. Parents – who, although would not let us express anger in any form – frequently went into what I experienced as rages
5. Unexpressed feelings of fear, grief and sadness, growing up in a home that was filled with anger, control and unexpected violent behaviour
6. Choices that I felt forced to make – to never express my anger – to keep my face blank, - my feelings began to become disconnected from events and by the time I hit adulthood – I didn’t know what I felt, or why I felt it – my feelings had become disconnected from my mind and from experience.
As I began to deal with these sources of anger - grieving, inviting God into places of pain and anger, forgiving those who had hurt, allowing myself to feel my feelings, speaking out in controlled and well thought through ways when I was angry. Talking to God about my anger and inviting him to bring healing.
Even now – sometimes I feel angry and I have no idea why – I have to sit down – and think through my day – what happened, why might I be feeling this way What might God be revealing to me in this situation?
How is my personhood being violated here?
What valid needs of mine are not being met?
As I listen to my feelings of anger and respect them – I can deal with different situations and move past them.
Most of the time what makes me feel angry are not huge issues but small things that I can easily make changes regarding.
The easiest way to deal with anger is to deal with the situation that’s causing the anger. Toni and I owned a house in our late 20’s with my best friend and her husband – the situation was not working out – our communication went wrong things blew up, they were making subtle threats about taking legal action and Toni and I sold our part of the house and moved – we lost the home that we’d come to love, we lost some other great neighbours, our kids lost their friends – all when I was 7 months pregnant and Toni had just started a new company.
I was furious at my former best friend for how she’d handled the situation – but every time I saw her – at my doctor’s office, or at the grocery store she’d smile and say hi and ask me how I was doing – this made me even madder and I’d go home and think of all the ways she’d offended me and how I’d never told her and how could she fake being friendly when there was so much unsaid between us. This went on for about 1½ years til finally I’d had it. I asked her to meet me – with a mediator and we talked through our offences – we apologized for different points of misunderstanding and I was able to forgive her. After that, when I saw her my anger was dissipated – I could join with her in a friendly greeting – I don’t think that I could ever have done this if I didn’t actually deal with what had gone wrong in our friendship. In this situation we could not restore what we’d lost but we could face it together and release it.
Most of us will be unable to let our anger go until we deal with the irritant that is provoking it.
3. A third way to deal with anger is by seeking to gain perspective…
Proverbs 14: 29 Those who are patient have great understanding, but the quick-tempered display folly.
Mardi has been talking about some huge issues: sexual harassment, family of origin issues, a very serious fight with her best friend, I don’t mean in any way to trivialize those very significant issues, but as Mardi points out sometimes in our day to day life our anger is triggered by a line in the grocery store that’s not moving and we’re in a hurry or our internet provider not working when we are really needing to send a email, or someone is insulting us in some way…
Sometimes it helps to become patient by getting perspective.
Sometimes, I’ll apply business writer Suzy Welch’s “10” “10” “10” rule.
Will this matter 10 minutes from now? 10 months from now? 10 years from now?
My mother would often raise the question with us kids when we were young and even now, especially after we’d experienced some kind of disappointment or failure… will this make a difference 10 years from now? Will it make a difference in eternity…?
Sometimes when I get angry at things, I find it helpful to ask, “Will this matter 10 months from now, 10 years from now, and for eternity?”
Getting perspective can help.
3. A third way to deal with anger is through proper self-care.
In the Gospels, Jesus calls us to be wise stewards of our life and resources. Parker Palmer says self-care is never a selfish act, it is simply the stewardship of the only gift we have to offer to the world.
Self-care is applicable for all, but especially if you’re wired to “fly off the handle.”
I know I can become more irritable, angry, aggressive, if I’m under great stress and not taking care of myself. I notice I drive more aggressively, speak to people with too much intensity… Simply put, I’m more likely to be a jerk when I’m under great stress and not taking care of myself.
When I am rested, exercising, eating well, spending time with God… I’m more relaxed… and mellow…
I know someone, who was told… if you’re angry all the time on the job, it’s time to leave the organization. He felt angry on the job, but felt really called to serve there and so he began taking better care of himself in all areas of his life and his anger subsided….
Self-care is never a selfish act, it is simply the stewardship of the only gift we have to offer the world.
4. A fourth way to deal with anger is to contemplate and receive the love of God…
Thomas Friedman in his insightful book The World is Flat argues that humiliation is the most underestimated force in international politics…
He says when people are humiliated they lash out in anger and extreme violence.
Friedman says when you take the economic and political backwardness of much of the Arab and Muslim world today and compare it to its past grandeur and religious superiority…
And then combine that with alienation these Muslim experience when they go to Europe you have a cocktail of rage.
This frustration creates a feeding system of Osama Bin Laden’s cause…
If they cannot be “tall” they look for tall buildings to bring down.
Feeling humiliated leads to anger and aggression, sometime of the worst order.
Conversely, feeling loved and honored, leads to loving and honoring others.
According to Dr. Susan Philips who teaches spiritual direction at San Francisco Seminary, if you want to help people move toward spiritual wholeness one of the greatest gifts you can give them is to simply listen to their journey and uphold them in the place of their belovedness. To deeply listen to a person and to uphold them in the place of their belovedness brings healing.
When we feel loved by someone, particularly someone who is significant to us it can heal us of our anger…and in other ways too.
Thomas Merton said that great saints were not those who loved much, but those who knew they were loved much by God.
When we deeply know we are loved by the most important person ever… when we know that the maker of all things, likes you… loves you… and became a human being and died on the Cross absorbing your sins on the Cross so that you might experience homecoming with God…
You’ll become a person who is healed from anger and able to forgive even when it’s costly to do so…
Corrie Ten Boom a Dutch Christian woman who had been involved in helping to hide Jews during World War II. She was caught and became a prisoner in Nazi concentration camp. 2 years after the war, Corrie Ten Boom was preaching in Germany in 1947 and she was approached by one of the cruelest, most abusive former Ravensbrück camp guards. Corrie sister Betsie had died in that notorious concentration camp. Corrie was reluctant to forgive him, but prayed that she would be able to. She wrote that she was then able to forgive, and said for a long moment we grasped each other's hands, the former guard and the former prisoner. I had never known God's love so intensely as I did then.
Sometimes it’s so difficult to forgive and let go, but when God’s love that flows through us we can do what we cannot do on our own.
When God’s love really becomes the central focus of our life (more than our education, our job, how we look, or some human relationship) as it was for Corrie Ten Boom. When the fact we are God’s beloved becomes our central identity, we will be on the road to experiencing healing from our anger and on the road to becoming whole.
Lets pray:
Is God calling you to let go of your anger and forgive someone perhaps like Corrie Ten Boom?
After Nelson Mandela was freed and became president of South Africa, Bill Clinton asked, “I know you invited your jailers to your inauguration. You put your persecutors in the government. But tell me the the truth, were there times when you felt angry all over again?”
Nelson Mandela replied: “Yes, I was angry, but when I felt the anger well up inside of me, I realized that if I hated them… then they would still have me.” “But, I wanted to be free, and so I let it go.”
Perhaps you want to hold on to your anger… but you sense God calling you to let go and forgive… and be free… take that anger and release it to God.
(The sermon can be heard on line at: http://www.tenth.ca/audio.htm)
posted by Shigematsu at 10:15 AM
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