Friendships: Proverbs 13:20 (Oct. 29. 2006)
Friendships (sermon draft October 29 06), Proverbs 13:20
Big Idea: Friends shape us, support us and sharpen us.
Like many of you, I have some good memories of friendships from childhood.
· Playing road hockey and football on the streets, delivering the Vancouver Sun with my friends (and treating them to a Coke or Fanta as a way to say thank you for helping me), pouring paint over our teacher’s car in grade five and pulling other pranks.
· As an adolescent, I remember my best friend and I would ride our bikes to the home of girls we liked, hung out with (the Johnson sisters) on balmy summer nights… jumping on their trampoline
· As an undergraduate… I remember late study sessions with my roommate, ordering greasy Domino’s pizza and traveling Europe with our backpacks one summer… on the cheap…
Many of us have good memories with friends when we were younger…
Then something happens (or may happen for those who are now students).
· We leave school, begin a career and friendships (at least for many men) become less of a priority.
· Perhaps we get married. We want to be good spouses and friendships become even less important and friendship becomes even less of a priority for many of us.
· And perhaps we have children, and we want to be perfect parents… and again the friendship priority sinks lower….
Career, marriage, raising a family are all important, but if we become so fixated on any or all of these and lose our friends, we lose something deeply valuable (and the irony is we’re not as likely to be effective in our work, marriages, and parenting without friends).
A former pastor and an insightful writer I know named Gordon MacDonald says that “Friendship may be the most important building blocks of the spiritual life.”
According to the book of Proverbs, we can’t become wise without friendships…
Today as we continue our series in the book of Proverbs, we’re going to explore what this book that deals with wisdom and life-competence says about friendship and why it is important…
· One of the reasons why friendship is important is because it shapes our character.
The Proverbs were written in part as a kind of manual for parents, mentors, and teachers to guide their young…
In the early chapters of the book of Proverbs, we see a father instructing his son not to get involved with the wrong kind of friends because he knows that the wrong kind of friends will entice him to easy money or easy sex…
The book of Proverbs teaches that friendships shape our character.
We tend to take on the character qualities of those we associate most closely with…
In Proverbs 22:24 we read:
24 Do not make friends with the hot-tempered,
do not associate with those who are easily angered,
25 Or you may learn their ways and get yourself ensnared.
Friendship shapes our character
We walk with angry people, we can become angry.
We walk with people who are cynical, we’ll become cynical.
We walk with people who gossip, we will become gossips…
Friendship shapes our character.
But the converse is also true… according to Proverbs 13:20 if we walk with the wise we will become wise.
Friendship shapes our character
If we want to be less self-centered, we will walk with those who are loving, giving and with a Christ-like servant’s spirit.
Friendship shapes our character
If we want to become honest, we will walk with people who are honest; if we want to become courageous, we will walk with people who are courageous, if we want to be generous we will walk with people who are generous.
Friendship shapes our character…
Bill Russel the famous basketball player who used to play with the Boston Celtics was doing an interview with a reporter. At one point during the conversation the reporter said, “We’re friends.”
At that point Bill Russell said, “time out. Did you say, we’re friends?
The reporter said, “Ten years ago, I interviewed you and since then from time to time we’ve been in touch.” Bill Russell said, “That doesn’t make us friends. I don’t mean to be cold, we’re friendly to each other, but that doesn’t make us friends.
A friend is someone you interlock and walk in the same direction.
Do you have people in your life that you are interlocking arms with and with whom you are pursing a common destination?
I spent part of this last week in Tennessee with a covenant group of friends that I walk with, “do life” with. We are all leaders in the church or some non-profit organization, and we’re peer mentors to each other, and we also “do life” with each other as friends. We come to shape each other’s professional lives and personal lives. One of the members is Chris Woodhull, a poet and politician and leads an inner city ministry. Chris spoke here in January. We spent time in Chris’ home, at the inner city ministry he leads, and on a farm to catch up with each of our lives.
Our arms are interlocked, we’re moving toward the goal of seeking to grow as leaders and human beings.
At this time I am going to invite Sharon Smith, a member of our community to come and describe a friendship that has shaped her….
(Sharon’s testimony here)
The people we walk with will shape our character.
Some of us will seek with great care a choice of a doctor, dentist, lawyer, and some people will take great care over their choice of fitness instructor… but we can be haphazard with our choice of friends… Some may say isn’t it a little elitist to be selective in our friendships, I think we can be pretty wide open with our “acquaintances” and broad with what we might call our “causal friends,” but when it comes to handful of our closest friends… those who will deeply influence our lives, we do well to exercise great care.
In Proverbs 12:26 The righteous choose their friends carefully…
A friend shapes our character, a friend also offers us support in crisis.
David Bentall in his great book on friendships The Company You Keep asks the question, “Do you have someone whom you can call in a crisis?
The Proverbs says a person of many friends (i.e. acquaintances) may come to ruin, but there is a friend that sticks closer than a brother or sister.
Proverbs 17:17 a true friend loves at all times.
In Ecclesiastes 4:9-12, the writer describes why a true friend, who will be there for you particularly when things go bad, is so important…
9 Two are better than one,
because they have a good return for their labor:
10 If they fall down,
they can help each other up.
But pity those who fall
and have no one to help them up!
11 Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.
But how can one keep warm alone?
12 Though one may be overpowered,
two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.
***Sharon Smith testimony… I’m going to invite Sharon Smith to share how her experience of how her friends have supported her in a challenging season of her life..
(possible quote: James Houston says Friendship built on a mutual sharing of weakness…)
Do you remember when Dr. Larry Crabb spoke here in May? Dr. Crabb is a respected Christian psychologist.
Afterwards at lunch, I said I’ve heard different people cite studies that say if two people have a problem with same degree of intensity and one goes to a psychologist for a year and the other person instead connects regularly with a friend with whom he can share his heart, the person who regularly sees his friend is just as well off if not better off than the person who sees the professional… Is that true?
Dr. Larry Crabb said there have been 1000s of studies done on this… and everyone says that if you can talk to a friend with good character and wisdom, a friend is typically just as helpful long term as a psychologistg if not more so… Larry leaned over and said… but the friend has to be trustworthy in character and wise…
We talked about the fact that if that’s true, why would anyone pay to see a psychologist?
At least 3 reasons…
1) If part of your problem has some bio-chemical cause and you need medicine, a professional like a psychiatrist can prescribe medicine or refer you to someone who can.
2) Professionals are bound by professional ethical codes they need to honor and maintain to keep their designation, so they are less likely to abuse you…
3) a lot of people don’t even have one truly trustworthy and wise friend that could share their problem on a regular basis and do life with… or they don’t have a friend that is able to create that kind of space… if you share some problem instead of listening, the counter… oh you think that’s bad… let me tell you about my Uncle Dave…
I totally affirm the place of the professionally trained counselors. Here at Tenth, we refer people regularly to professional counselors and we help to subsidize the cost for many who can’t afford to pay the full fee.
But, what I am saying is that a trustworthy, wise friend is in many says just as helpful and sometimes more helpful than seeing a professional.
Friends shape us, they support us and they sharpen us.
· Friends sharpen us…
Proverbs 27:5-6
5 Better is open rebuke
than hidden love.
6 Wounds from a friend can be trusted,
but an enemy multiplies kisses..
Proverbs 27:17
As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another…
Quite a long time ago, back when I was a student, I had a brief, but intense summer fling with someone I fell hard for and I felt for a variety of reasons knew that it was wrong to engage in this romance… and later in the summer I remember talking to people about this and about how disappointed I was in myself for participating in this fling… One set of friends, great people, but who didn’t share my Christian values… said I hate you, I’m jealous of you! Don’t you know how many people wish they just once could have a summer fling like you just had? But in contrast my Christian accountability friends, were like… I think you made a wrong choice, I’m disappointed in you (which cut me), but I love you…I’m here for you… if you ever feel like you’re falling into the wrong relationship, I want you to promise me you’ll talk to me about it, phone before anything happens…
Some time after this situation… before I was married and living in a different city… a woman asked to see me at my house for dinner (which she offered to bring)… For a variety of reasons I didn’t feel comfortable with her coming alone, so I said, ok but come with our mutual friend _________ in the end the mutual friend wasn’t able to come… I guess I was a bit tense over dinner…and so she said, “I am not going to come over and bite you…” Later that night she indirectly asked if I would consider breaking up with the woman I was dating at the time… and date her instead… then some time later she said… it’s getting late, can I stay here the night? At that point I said, “I need to make a phone call… I called a close Christian friend… explained the situation…and this person said, tell her to go home. So, I walked over and said, “Go home.”
Do you have a friend you can call if you’re tempted?
Do you have someone you can dial? I know someone who has his accountability friends on speed dial. Even if you can’t get hold of them. having one or two or three you can call and knowing they will hold you to account… has a way of diminishing the temptation.
Do you have someone in your life, a friend who you respect, trust, who will hold what you say in confidence, caring, but strong enough to hold you to account…? Someone who will comfort you when you are hurting, but in a redemptive way hurt you when you are too comfortable?
Do you have a friend or two you can and would call if you are in middle of temptation?
Do you have a friend or two whom can confess your sins to if you did fall?
I really believe in the power of confession to a trusted brother or sister.
When I feel like I have crossed some line, I confess that to a trusted friend. There’s something about confessing that can break the power of sin… something healthy about being open, “coming clean” with a trusted friend.
It can be embarrassing to confess my sins to someone, but I often think about what my classmate in the Arrow Leadership program Waxer Tipton said, “The reason why young leaders are falling is because we care more about our reputation than our character. If we care about our character more than our reputation we’ll pursue accountability friendships and confess our sins.”
Do you have any friends like this? Part of process is to ask… sometime we’re like kids at a jr. high dance, two people want to dance, we’re just afraid to ask. You got to ask.
We’ve been talking about how friends can shape us, support, and sharpen us… so how do we get these kinds of friends?
The paradox is that if we try too hard to get these kinds of friends, we won’t get them. It’s like trying too hard to fall asleep, or trying too hard to be happy… if we try too hard to get friends we won’t have friends.
The best way to get friends is to seek to be a friend.
The best way to have friends who shape us, support, and sharpen us is to be a friend of trustworthy character, love, and courage.
But how do we become that way?
At a seminary where I serve as trustee, we sometimes talk about how we want to raise up Pastors and Christian leaders who will know how to foster loving communities. But we also say that the only way they will be able to do that is if they themselves first experience loving community themselves—so let’s try to facilitate their experiencing loving, transparent community here at the school, so they get a taste of it, so they can in turn foster that in other places when they leave.
If we want be a great friend we must experience great friendship.
Where can I find that?
Jesus said in John during his last supper before going to the Cross, “No longer do I call you servants, for a servant does not know his master’s business, instead I have called you friends…” He says that night… as I have loved you so love one another.
When you experience deeply the constancy, the trustworthiness, the wisdom, the care, the conviction of Jesus Christ, you’ll be better able to offer that to others.
When we experience the friendship of Jesus Christ… our heart will be filled by more than any other human friendship and so we bbswon’t approach people with that suffocating desperate dependency that can kill a friendship.
The Gospel of Jesus Christ is not just the abc of the Christian life, it’s the A-Z, including friendships.
Pray…
C.S. Lewis says
“For a Christian, there are no chances. A secret master of ceremonies has been at work. Christ, who said to the disciples, “You have not chosen me, but I have chosen you for one another.” A friendship is not a reward for our discrimination and good taste in finding another out. It is the instrument by which God reveals to each the beauties of all the others…. At this feast it is God who has chosen the guests. It is God, we may dare to hope, who sometimes does, and always should, preside.
(The sermon can be heard on line at: http://www.tenth.ca/audio.htm)
Big Idea: Friends shape us, support us and sharpen us.
Like many of you, I have some good memories of friendships from childhood.
· Playing road hockey and football on the streets, delivering the Vancouver Sun with my friends (and treating them to a Coke or Fanta as a way to say thank you for helping me), pouring paint over our teacher’s car in grade five and pulling other pranks.
· As an adolescent, I remember my best friend and I would ride our bikes to the home of girls we liked, hung out with (the Johnson sisters) on balmy summer nights… jumping on their trampoline
· As an undergraduate… I remember late study sessions with my roommate, ordering greasy Domino’s pizza and traveling Europe with our backpacks one summer… on the cheap…
Many of us have good memories with friends when we were younger…
Then something happens (or may happen for those who are now students).
· We leave school, begin a career and friendships (at least for many men) become less of a priority.
· Perhaps we get married. We want to be good spouses and friendships become even less important and friendship becomes even less of a priority for many of us.
· And perhaps we have children, and we want to be perfect parents… and again the friendship priority sinks lower….
Career, marriage, raising a family are all important, but if we become so fixated on any or all of these and lose our friends, we lose something deeply valuable (and the irony is we’re not as likely to be effective in our work, marriages, and parenting without friends).
A former pastor and an insightful writer I know named Gordon MacDonald says that “Friendship may be the most important building blocks of the spiritual life.”
According to the book of Proverbs, we can’t become wise without friendships…
Today as we continue our series in the book of Proverbs, we’re going to explore what this book that deals with wisdom and life-competence says about friendship and why it is important…
· One of the reasons why friendship is important is because it shapes our character.
The Proverbs were written in part as a kind of manual for parents, mentors, and teachers to guide their young…
In the early chapters of the book of Proverbs, we see a father instructing his son not to get involved with the wrong kind of friends because he knows that the wrong kind of friends will entice him to easy money or easy sex…
The book of Proverbs teaches that friendships shape our character.
We tend to take on the character qualities of those we associate most closely with…
In Proverbs 22:24 we read:
24 Do not make friends with the hot-tempered,
do not associate with those who are easily angered,
25 Or you may learn their ways and get yourself ensnared.
Friendship shapes our character
We walk with angry people, we can become angry.
We walk with people who are cynical, we’ll become cynical.
We walk with people who gossip, we will become gossips…
Friendship shapes our character.
But the converse is also true… according to Proverbs 13:20 if we walk with the wise we will become wise.
Friendship shapes our character
If we want to be less self-centered, we will walk with those who are loving, giving and with a Christ-like servant’s spirit.
Friendship shapes our character
If we want to become honest, we will walk with people who are honest; if we want to become courageous, we will walk with people who are courageous, if we want to be generous we will walk with people who are generous.
Friendship shapes our character…
Bill Russel the famous basketball player who used to play with the Boston Celtics was doing an interview with a reporter. At one point during the conversation the reporter said, “We’re friends.”
At that point Bill Russell said, “time out. Did you say, we’re friends?
The reporter said, “Ten years ago, I interviewed you and since then from time to time we’ve been in touch.” Bill Russell said, “That doesn’t make us friends. I don’t mean to be cold, we’re friendly to each other, but that doesn’t make us friends.
A friend is someone you interlock and walk in the same direction.
Do you have people in your life that you are interlocking arms with and with whom you are pursing a common destination?
I spent part of this last week in Tennessee with a covenant group of friends that I walk with, “do life” with. We are all leaders in the church or some non-profit organization, and we’re peer mentors to each other, and we also “do life” with each other as friends. We come to shape each other’s professional lives and personal lives. One of the members is Chris Woodhull, a poet and politician and leads an inner city ministry. Chris spoke here in January. We spent time in Chris’ home, at the inner city ministry he leads, and on a farm to catch up with each of our lives.
Our arms are interlocked, we’re moving toward the goal of seeking to grow as leaders and human beings.
At this time I am going to invite Sharon Smith, a member of our community to come and describe a friendship that has shaped her….
(Sharon’s testimony here)
The people we walk with will shape our character.
Some of us will seek with great care a choice of a doctor, dentist, lawyer, and some people will take great care over their choice of fitness instructor… but we can be haphazard with our choice of friends… Some may say isn’t it a little elitist to be selective in our friendships, I think we can be pretty wide open with our “acquaintances” and broad with what we might call our “causal friends,” but when it comes to handful of our closest friends… those who will deeply influence our lives, we do well to exercise great care.
In Proverbs 12:26 The righteous choose their friends carefully…
A friend shapes our character, a friend also offers us support in crisis.
David Bentall in his great book on friendships The Company You Keep asks the question, “Do you have someone whom you can call in a crisis?
The Proverbs says a person of many friends (i.e. acquaintances) may come to ruin, but there is a friend that sticks closer than a brother or sister.
Proverbs 17:17 a true friend loves at all times.
In Ecclesiastes 4:9-12, the writer describes why a true friend, who will be there for you particularly when things go bad, is so important…
9 Two are better than one,
because they have a good return for their labor:
10 If they fall down,
they can help each other up.
But pity those who fall
and have no one to help them up!
11 Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.
But how can one keep warm alone?
12 Though one may be overpowered,
two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.
***Sharon Smith testimony… I’m going to invite Sharon Smith to share how her experience of how her friends have supported her in a challenging season of her life..
(possible quote: James Houston says Friendship built on a mutual sharing of weakness…)
Do you remember when Dr. Larry Crabb spoke here in May? Dr. Crabb is a respected Christian psychologist.
Afterwards at lunch, I said I’ve heard different people cite studies that say if two people have a problem with same degree of intensity and one goes to a psychologist for a year and the other person instead connects regularly with a friend with whom he can share his heart, the person who regularly sees his friend is just as well off if not better off than the person who sees the professional… Is that true?
Dr. Larry Crabb said there have been 1000s of studies done on this… and everyone says that if you can talk to a friend with good character and wisdom, a friend is typically just as helpful long term as a psychologistg if not more so… Larry leaned over and said… but the friend has to be trustworthy in character and wise…
We talked about the fact that if that’s true, why would anyone pay to see a psychologist?
At least 3 reasons…
1) If part of your problem has some bio-chemical cause and you need medicine, a professional like a psychiatrist can prescribe medicine or refer you to someone who can.
2) Professionals are bound by professional ethical codes they need to honor and maintain to keep their designation, so they are less likely to abuse you…
3) a lot of people don’t even have one truly trustworthy and wise friend that could share their problem on a regular basis and do life with… or they don’t have a friend that is able to create that kind of space… if you share some problem instead of listening, the counter… oh you think that’s bad… let me tell you about my Uncle Dave…
I totally affirm the place of the professionally trained counselors. Here at Tenth, we refer people regularly to professional counselors and we help to subsidize the cost for many who can’t afford to pay the full fee.
But, what I am saying is that a trustworthy, wise friend is in many says just as helpful and sometimes more helpful than seeing a professional.
Friends shape us, they support us and they sharpen us.
· Friends sharpen us…
Proverbs 27:5-6
5 Better is open rebuke
than hidden love.
6 Wounds from a friend can be trusted,
but an enemy multiplies kisses..
Proverbs 27:17
As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another…
Quite a long time ago, back when I was a student, I had a brief, but intense summer fling with someone I fell hard for and I felt for a variety of reasons knew that it was wrong to engage in this romance… and later in the summer I remember talking to people about this and about how disappointed I was in myself for participating in this fling… One set of friends, great people, but who didn’t share my Christian values… said I hate you, I’m jealous of you! Don’t you know how many people wish they just once could have a summer fling like you just had? But in contrast my Christian accountability friends, were like… I think you made a wrong choice, I’m disappointed in you (which cut me), but I love you…I’m here for you… if you ever feel like you’re falling into the wrong relationship, I want you to promise me you’ll talk to me about it, phone before anything happens…
Some time after this situation… before I was married and living in a different city… a woman asked to see me at my house for dinner (which she offered to bring)… For a variety of reasons I didn’t feel comfortable with her coming alone, so I said, ok but come with our mutual friend _________ in the end the mutual friend wasn’t able to come… I guess I was a bit tense over dinner…and so she said, “I am not going to come over and bite you…” Later that night she indirectly asked if I would consider breaking up with the woman I was dating at the time… and date her instead… then some time later she said… it’s getting late, can I stay here the night? At that point I said, “I need to make a phone call… I called a close Christian friend… explained the situation…and this person said, tell her to go home. So, I walked over and said, “Go home.”
Do you have a friend you can call if you’re tempted?
Do you have someone you can dial? I know someone who has his accountability friends on speed dial. Even if you can’t get hold of them. having one or two or three you can call and knowing they will hold you to account… has a way of diminishing the temptation.
Do you have someone in your life, a friend who you respect, trust, who will hold what you say in confidence, caring, but strong enough to hold you to account…? Someone who will comfort you when you are hurting, but in a redemptive way hurt you when you are too comfortable?
Do you have a friend or two you can and would call if you are in middle of temptation?
Do you have a friend or two whom can confess your sins to if you did fall?
I really believe in the power of confession to a trusted brother or sister.
When I feel like I have crossed some line, I confess that to a trusted friend. There’s something about confessing that can break the power of sin… something healthy about being open, “coming clean” with a trusted friend.
It can be embarrassing to confess my sins to someone, but I often think about what my classmate in the Arrow Leadership program Waxer Tipton said, “The reason why young leaders are falling is because we care more about our reputation than our character. If we care about our character more than our reputation we’ll pursue accountability friendships and confess our sins.”
Do you have any friends like this? Part of process is to ask… sometime we’re like kids at a jr. high dance, two people want to dance, we’re just afraid to ask. You got to ask.
We’ve been talking about how friends can shape us, support, and sharpen us… so how do we get these kinds of friends?
The paradox is that if we try too hard to get these kinds of friends, we won’t get them. It’s like trying too hard to fall asleep, or trying too hard to be happy… if we try too hard to get friends we won’t have friends.
The best way to get friends is to seek to be a friend.
The best way to have friends who shape us, support, and sharpen us is to be a friend of trustworthy character, love, and courage.
But how do we become that way?
At a seminary where I serve as trustee, we sometimes talk about how we want to raise up Pastors and Christian leaders who will know how to foster loving communities. But we also say that the only way they will be able to do that is if they themselves first experience loving community themselves—so let’s try to facilitate their experiencing loving, transparent community here at the school, so they get a taste of it, so they can in turn foster that in other places when they leave.
If we want be a great friend we must experience great friendship.
Where can I find that?
Jesus said in John during his last supper before going to the Cross, “No longer do I call you servants, for a servant does not know his master’s business, instead I have called you friends…” He says that night… as I have loved you so love one another.
When you experience deeply the constancy, the trustworthiness, the wisdom, the care, the conviction of Jesus Christ, you’ll be better able to offer that to others.
When we experience the friendship of Jesus Christ… our heart will be filled by more than any other human friendship and so we bbswon’t approach people with that suffocating desperate dependency that can kill a friendship.
The Gospel of Jesus Christ is not just the abc of the Christian life, it’s the A-Z, including friendships.
Pray…
C.S. Lewis says
“For a Christian, there are no chances. A secret master of ceremonies has been at work. Christ, who said to the disciples, “You have not chosen me, but I have chosen you for one another.” A friendship is not a reward for our discrimination and good taste in finding another out. It is the instrument by which God reveals to each the beauties of all the others…. At this feast it is God who has chosen the guests. It is God, we may dare to hope, who sometimes does, and always should, preside.
(The sermon can be heard on line at: http://www.tenth.ca/audio.htm)
posted by Shigematsu at 5:08 PM
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