Sex, Purity, and our Path to Connection
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Sex, Purity, and our Path to Connection March 14, 2010
The way of the Spirit…
Text: 1 Corinthians 6:12-20
Ken Shigematsu
Big Idea: When we channel our sexual energy in a way that honours God, we experience the deepest connection with God and with others.
A few years ago, I was on a sailing trip going up British Columbia’s rugged, beautiful Sunshine Coast. During the day the sky was clear, sun streamed down and at night we would enter into some small coves under a star spangled sky and Milky Way. I thought I had died and gone to paradise. There was one thing missing for me. I wished Sakiko had been on the trip. She had not been able to make because she was hosting a friend from Tokyo who was visiting.
What were some of the peak moments of your life? Perhaps you had reached the summit of mountain and were surrounded by a breathtaking view of a forest filled valley below, lakes, and the other mountain snow capped peaks in the horizon. Or maybe you received news that you’d been admitted to your dream school. Or were eating the most delicious food you’d ever tasted in a meal. Or maybe you were at listening to a person, thinking this is my new favorite musician. Whatever that moment, if you were alone, you likely felt like you wish you could have shared it with someone else.
We are made for connection with others. The Scriptures tell us that when God made human beings he said, “ Let us make them in our image” (Genesis 1:27). God is triune, a community of Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. When we experience connection, we are honouring our design as beings made in the image of the triune God.
When we connect in healthy ways with others and with God we are experiencing our sexuality in a healthy way.
Genital sex is just one aspect of our larger sexuality: the Greek word Eros from which get the word erotic is usually associated with the desire for sex itself and it can mean this, but Eros can also refer to the affection we feel when we spend time with family, good friends; the joy we feel when we play and laugh, the life we experience when we offer ourselves in sacrificial love for others. 1
When we experience our sexuality—our longing to connect and give life--in healthy ways, we live with joy and freedom. When we don’t experience our sexuality in healthy ways, we live with frustration and heartache.
Our sexual energy is a powerful force in which sex can lead to ecstasy or to despair; it can lead to heaven and can drag us to hell. Ronald Rolheiser author of The Holy Longing, says it is the most powerful of all fires, the best of all fires, the most dangerous of all fires… and the fire which ultimately lies at the base of almost everything, including the spiritual life.
A rule of life around sex will enable us to channel the river of our sexuality in ways that honour God’s design for us and bring life to others.
A rule of life around sex will help establish good boundaries, which rather than being unnecessarily constricting, will lead to greater wholeness and freedom. (Many of us think of boundaries as negative, but the right boundaries help to set us free. If you define a place for children to play, they will play with more freedom and abandon than if they are not sure where the boundaries are. An artist will have more freedom to paint, if they have some kind of frame they are working in, than if they have no border at all. All cultures throughout history--even the ones we might call wild and primitive--have recognized the power of sex. So while celebrating the gift of sex, they have constructed taboos around certain sexual behaviors.)
Before I talk about some practical elements around a rule, I want to speak about the biblical perspective on sex.
Casual sex
Our culture is naïve about the power of sex.
Our culture speaks of casual sex, will describe a sexual encounter as “no big deal.” In an episode of the popular sitcom Friends, Monica is talking to a guy and she ask, “Can we still be friends and have sex?” “Sure,” he replied. "It’ll just be something we do together--like playing racquetball.”
We all know that having sex with someone and playing racquetball are very different things. If you’re in a committed relationship with someone else—you know how you’d feel if your partner says, “I’m playing racquetball with Kelly” vs. “I’m having sex with Kelly.” (Or my boss forced me to play racquetball is very different forced my boss forced me to have sex).
Even when sex doesn’t feel particularly bonding, it knits people together in a mysterious, powerful way that may not be sensed by one or both partners.
When a “promise” is offered through a person’s body and is not honored through some kind of commitment, it can lead to a feeling of being used, heartbreak, and in some cases deep anger and depression (which is anger turned inward).
Sex was designed by God as a gift like none other: the Scriptures teach that God created sex as a unitive act that not only connects a man and a woman’s body, but also their souls, making two people one. God designed sex so that when a man and a woman came together physically in sexual union, there was also a powerful force that made them want to unite on every other level, as well: emotionally, spiritually and economically. Sex was designed so that when you get physically naked with someone, you also wanted to get naked in your soul with someone, an act of union so sublime that it used in Scripture as a metaphor of our union with God.
I know this sounds radical in our culture, but listen to Gordon Neufeld, a well-respected Vancouver psychologist, who writes from a secular perspective in his book, Hold Onto Your Kids:
Sex is a potent bonding agent: It creates couples, attaches to each other those who engage in it. Studies have confirmed what most of us will have found out on our own, that making love has a natural bonding effect, evoking powerful emotions of attachment in the human brain… Simply put, sex creates a potent connection and then harnesses the rest of the brain to preserve the bond that has been created.
Sex creates couples, ready or not, willing or not… Sex is like human contact cement, invoking a sense of union and fusion, creating one flesh…
(P. 195)
Sex uniting two, making them one sex expressed in the framework of God’s design, in the context of a committed, loving marriage can bring joy, delight, and life, but if misused can also lead to heartbreak or hardening, i.e., hardening our heart and inability to bond with others.
Psychologist Gordon Neufeld writes:
One of the ultimate costs of emotional hardening is that sex loses its potency as a bonding agent. The long-term effect is soul numbing impairing young people’s capacity to enter into relationships in which true contact and intimacy are possible.
When sex is used outside of God’s design, we experience either heartache or heart hardening. One of the apparent upsides of becoming hardened is that we feel sexually freer. The downside is that it our capacity to experience true sexual intimacy and lasting fulfillment is impaired.
Some of you here have said in your mind as long as I’m single—there’s no way I’m going to live out what the Scriptures teach about sex. If I’m attracted to someone, I’m going to sleep with them. God is saying here in 1 Corinthians 6 flee from sexual immorality—not because I want wreck your party—but because when you unite yourself to someone sexually you’re not in a covenant relationship with you become one with the person and will have less of yourself to offer another person. In the George Clooney’s recent movie Up in the Air (show slide) he plays the character named Ryan who can’t commit to a relationship. At one point in the movie Natalie Ryan’s colleague asks Ryan questions about Alex a woman Ryan has been romantically involved with. "So, what kind of relationship do you have?" He tells her that it's casual, and Natalie asks if there's a future. Ryan tells that he hadn't thought about it, but Natalie becomes annoyed. Ryan tries to explain: "You know that moment when you look into someone's eyes and you can feel them staring into your soul and the whole world goes quiet just for a second?" Natalie nods, "Yes!" Ryan declares, "Yeah, well, I don't." Alex tells him that he has set up a way of life that makes it impossible for him to have any kind of human connection. You probably know people like Ryan people who can’t seem to commit any kind of relationship for more than 6 months or a year. In some case people simply don’t want to commit to another person. In other cases seem to be unable to commit to another person because they offered themselves sexually to so many partners that they don’t much of a self to offer another. When we commit sexual sin we’re not breaking some kind abstract moral code, but we are sinning against ourselves, as we compromise our capacity to connect deeply with others.
When sex is used outside of God’s design, whether through pornography, so-called casual sex, or sex outside of a covenant relationship, sex can become addictive because a person experiences a momentary high, but not lasting satisfaction. Because sex outside of God’s design doesn’t bring lasting satisfaction, like junk food that doesn’t satisfy our real hunger, people find themselves craving more and more of it and may end up trapped in an addictive cycle. People need more and more of what doesn’t satisfy.
Some say with a smirk, but isn’t sexual addiction—the good kind of addiction?
Sexual may look good from the outside, but sexual addicts feel isolated and like they are living in misery.
Recently I talked to someone I know who works in the entertainment industry. She was telling me about a famous Hollywood star, a sex symbol, she works with. He has had sex with a string of different people he doesn’t know (people who are part of the cast, part of the crew, sometimes groupies). His lifestyle seems envious to many. His sexual conquests bring him fleeting pleasure, but according to person I know who works with him, they seem to leave him emptier and emptier--so he needs more and more of what doesn’t satisfy. People envy him, but he’s miserable.
The reason the Apostle Paul prohibits a person having sex with a prostitute is because he or she will become one with that person in body and soul.
Listen to what Paul says in 1 Corinthians 6:12-20:
12 "I have the right to do anything," you say—but not everything is beneficial. "I have the right to do anything"—but I will not be mastered by anything. 13 You say, "Food for the stomach and the stomach for food, and God will destroy them both." The body, however, is not meant for sexual immorality but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body. 14 By his power God raised the Lord from the dead, and he will raise us also. 15 Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never! 16 Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, "The two will become one flesh." 17 But whoever is united with the Lord is one with him in spirit.
18 Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins people commit are outside their bodies, but those who sin sexually sin against their own bodies. 19 Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; 20 you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.
Of all people, sex with a prostitute may not feel like it’s uniting to another person, just physically pleasurable. It may feel no big deal, but Paul says when you have sex with someone, even someone whose name we don’t know, something mysterious and real happens: Paul says “Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? Then quoting Genesis 2:24, he says, “For it is said the two will become one flesh.” When you are become one with someone and then tear yourself away, you either will experience heartache or heart hardening. Paul writes: Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins people commit are outside their bodies, but those who sin sexually sin against their own bodies. 19 Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God?
We sin against ourselves by impairing our capacity know others (as we’ve seen) and God.
Two weeks ago, in my message on A Mind for God, I cited CS Lewis: C.S. Lewis. He said that our bodies are the telescope through which we see God: “The instrument through which you see God is your whole self. And if a man [or woman’s] self is not kept clean and bright, his [or her] glimpse of God will be blurred—like the moon through a dirty telescope.”
A rule of life enables to say no to certain things, not for the sake of saying no—but in order to say a greater yes something. So it is with a rule around sexuality. We create certain boundaries not to say no, but a greater yes: “yes” to God, ourselves and others so that we can experience the gift of sexuality, not with heartache or heart hardening, but in ways that bring life, joy, intimacy, and connection.
What does a rule around sex look like? It will involve setting healthy boundaries, and channeling our sexual energy in ways that honor God (rule repressing, toning, rechanneling our eros)
Set boundaries
A part of our rule will include cultivation of sexual wholeness and purity by having healthy boundaries. When it comes to sexual boundaries, it obviously helps to have thought this through ahead of time, not trying to formulate a strategy in the blurry heat of passion, when our rational capacities are swept away by a powerful sexual attraction.
Lauren Winner in her book, Real Sex: The Naked Truth About Chastity (Show), in Chapter 6 gives some practical counsel on how to draw healthy sexual boundaries in the context of dating a relationship (the book is available at the book table in the back).
Lauren Winner, was single at the time when she started writing the book. She had been sexually active before coming to Christ. Then in her journey with Christ she came to a point where she was able to embrace God’s call to sexual purity and started dating a man named Griff who used to live here in Vancouver.
In a chapter entitled, On the Steps of the Rotunda:
‘Don’t do anything sexual that you wouldn’t feel comfortable doing on the steps of the rotunda.’ Griff and I took Greg’s words to heart, and even climbed up on to the rotunda steps one night and kissed to our heart’s content. Griff said, ‘That’s it. That’s our line. We won’t really feel very comfortable stripping our clothes off up here in front of the rotunda.’ And that became our mantra on the steps of the rotunda.”
That’s very practical counsel.
And it helps to have a practical boundary in advance.
Accountability friendships:
As Mardi talked about last week, having a friend (or pastor or spiritual director or counselor) can also help us talk through temptations we face.
All of us can experience times when the air gets thin for us and we lose our sense of judgment and our sense of perspective, times when we’re on the edge. One of the best ways to regain it is to have a friend who can speak the truth to us with enough force that we hear it. It can be embarrassing to talk about a sexual temptation we’re experiencing, but it can be also be freeing and can save us and others from heartache or heart hardening.
Love others
With friends
Our sexual drive is a longing to connect. We come into our world longing for connection--this may be why babies come into the world crying. If sexuality is about connecting, then fostering a health sexuality which includes healthy connection and intimacy with friends is an essential part of any rule for a person who wants to follower.
I have a friend I’ll call Ray. Ray is a single follower of Christ. One day he was feeling sexually restless. Though he no intention of actually doing this, he felt like going to a bar, picking up a woman, and having sex. He ended up going to a dinner party with friends, had good conversation, good food, and wine and through the richness of that experience found his sexual temptation had dissipated.
When we express our sexuality in healthy ways through conversation with friends over a meal, through shared laughter, through affirmation, and through touch, we experience connection.
One of the best things a married couple can do to honour and protect their marriage is to foster healthy intimacy with each other: emotionally, sexually, and by fostering healthy, growing friendships with each other and other people in their lives. According to respected psychologist Ron Halztman, when a spouse has an affair, most of the time the underlying reason is not primarily sexual. Most of these spouses are simply seeking understanding, validation, or love.
Whether we are single or married having healthy friendships can help you remain sexually pure. When we are deprived of healthy forms of intimacy, we are more vulnerable to engaging in unhealthy sexual behavior. Part of the reason why people engage in sex outside of marriage or turn to porn or engage in compulsive masturbation is because they want to experience a sense of intimacy and connection. Where there is excess, there is lack. G.K. Chesterton has said every man who knocks on the door of a brothel is looking for God. When our souls are lonely or dissatisfied in some way, the promise of sin looks more attractive. 2 If our soul is content and grateful, we are less likely to succumb to behavior which in the end leaves our souls emptier than before.
Sexuality is about connection. For many of us, a sense of being connected comes most powerfully through being with people.
Others feel most filled when creating or enjoying art, music, hiking, playing basketball. A friend of mine says when he is tempted to in engage in sexually unhealthy ways, he likes to play basketball with friends—something he loves to do. This may seem title trivial, but using our bodies in ways the bring life and joy helps us experience a healthy sexuality. Lauren Winner in her book, Real Sex, points out the junior high girls who played soccer were less likely to be involved sexually that girls who didn’t.3 When we use our body for something we love to do, whether it sports or playing music or creating art, it is a significant part in creating a sense of healthy connection and, therefore, a healthy sexuality.
Generative
As sexual beings, we desire to create new life in others. That desire may express itself in bear sons and daughters or to author life in some other way. Pursuing sexuality purity is not about throttling back our sexual energy, but channeling in ways that bring life to people.
Sexual energy enables us to create in others. It enables to nurture and protect something so that life is produced. Kathleen Norris a writer and poet who spent (most of) three years living at a Benedictine monastery in South Dakota describes how actual monks and nuns, confound the stereotype of being asexual and cold, and how members of a religious orders consciously sublimate their sexual energies so as to be able to love people around them more fully.4
In her book, The Cloister Walk, Kathleen describes her friendship with a celibate priest she calls Tom. His attention and capacity to listen and understand her inspired her to dive into old, half-finished poems and bring them to fruition. “Appreciating Tom’s presence in my life as a miraculous, unmerited gift helped me to place our relationship in its proper religious context,” 5 she writes, “and also to understand why it was that when I’d seek him out to pray with me, I’d always leave feeling so much better than when I came. This was celibacy at its best, a man’s sexual energies so devoted to the care of others that a few words could lift me out of despair, give me the strength to reclaim my life.”6
My younger sister was Hana was sought out by girls and boys in high school. Attractive and part of the popular crowd, she loved to go parties and dance. Stylish and chic, she was voted the best dressed person in graduating class. To many of her friends’ surprise, she ended up becoming a high school guidance counselor and teacher. At lunch time, instead of eating with the her fellow teachers, students, who don’t have friends and would end up otherwise eating alone, students would come her office and have lunch with her. My sister expressed sexuality, not just dancing and through her fashion, but also as she nurtured life in these withdrawn high school students through her welcome.
When we welcome someone in our circle in a way that enables them to recognize some of their beauty, when we help someone learn to develop a strength as a writer, teach them how to play football, when we plant a tree, when we create art, when we build a home for a family in need through a group like Habitat for Humanity, we create life in others. We are expressing our sexuality
Saying Yes to God
Part of a wise rule of life will include saying no to say yes.
Some of us here have said no to work one day a week, as way to yes to the rest and joy of Sabbath.
Some of us here have said no to over-indulgencing (perhaps especially during Lent) on junk food, and have felt more energy and clarity as a result.
When we say no to sex outside of God’s design—outside of marriage--, like saying no to working seven days a week or over indulgencing on junk food, we may feel a sense of loss, but we also gain the gifts of a heart that is whole, that enters more deeply into intimacy with God and wth other people.
Choosing this path of sexual purity and faithfulness--committing to reserve sex for marriage and for a single person--is a radical, counter-cultural way of saying yes to ourselves and our wholeness, yes to being able to give ourselves more wholly to others, and way of saying yes to God.
Monks and nuns take a vow in response to the call they sense from God and make a very particular sexual vow to God: to remain single and sexually chaste. This commitment baffles people. Members of religious orders, however, are not saying to say no to sex for sake of self-denial, but in order to say yes in a fuller way to God and people. By remaining single and sexually chaste, monks create a holy vacancy for God. The Priest Henri Nouwen, says of singleness, says we become empty for God, free, and open for his presence and available for his service. 7 I was with a friend in his early fifties who would like to get married, but feels may have a call to singleness. It’s lonely he says, but the gift of my singleness is that I feel more drawn to God. A person who commits to sexual chastity has a unique space for God and for people.
A person who chooses to offer up their right to be sexually, active or married, and sexually monogamous, become a sign of love and faithfulness to God in the world.
I was sitting in an outdoor square at Ateneo University in the Philippines with the late Father Thomas Green. I mustered courage… asked him about his vocation to the priesthood and to celibacy. He said, “Giving up marriage was something I chose to do because I wanted to give something precious for Jesus. If you were in my office and I were to give you a piece of art and said, I don’t like it. I want to get rid of it, ‘here.’ That wouldn’t honour you. I would honour you if I gave you something that was precious to me.”
People who give up sexual intimacy for lifetime--or a season of their lives—as single people committed to chastity, or married people committed to monogamy, give something precious to Jesus. They find they are more deeply connected to God themselves and have more of their whole selves to offer others. They experience more fully God’s gift of sexuality because they find themselves more connected to what matters most, eros, sexual energy to connection and give life…
When you hear a message like this, many people will have a mixed reaction because in light of God’s word we feel we have fallen short and have been compromised. But when we turn to God, there is always hope for a new beginning.
In his book Lost Among the Lilies, priest Ronald Rolheiser describes how he received a confession from an intelligent woman who had experienced everything sexually and had “sophisticated herself into a deep unhappiness.” “There was not a childlike bone in her body,” he writes, “and she had lost most of her virginity.” His prescription, “revirginization.”8
He describes the process using a metaphor of the forest:
Imagine a geographical terrain that has been ravaged by natural disaster like the fire that occurred in Yellowstone National Park that destroyed the forest (show slide), the grass, and blackened the ground.
However, given time and weather—the sun, the rains, the winds, the storm, the frost and snow—it, in a manner of speaking, revirginizes. The grass and trees and flowers grow back,(show slide) its vegetation returns to life and eventually its natural beauty returns. In a manner of speaking, its chastity returns, making it again “virgin territory.” So too with our hearts and minds: as soon as we stop through the illusion of familiarity and indiscriminate experience, they too regain, gradually, their virginity and begin to again blush in the wonder of knowing and loving. A chastity in knowing and loving returns.9
In beautiful passage in Ezekiel 36 we hear the God uttering a promise of bringing a cleansing rain and restoring us through his prophet:
25 I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean; I will cleanse you from all your impurities and from all your idols. 26 I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. 27 And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws.
The issue isn’t your past, but if you turn to God you can be forgiven by God and cleansed by God, and you can a new heart. And you can forgive yourself and live without guilt and shame and experience deep connections with God, yourself, and others.
Pray:
Sex, Purity, and our Path to Connection March 14, 2010
The way of the Spirit…
Text: 1 Corinthians 6:12-20
Ken Shigematsu
Big Idea: When we channel our sexual energy in a way that honours God, we experience the deepest connection with God and with others.
A few years ago, I was on a sailing trip going up British Columbia’s rugged, beautiful Sunshine Coast. During the day the sky was clear, sun streamed down and at night we would enter into some small coves under a star spangled sky and Milky Way. I thought I had died and gone to paradise. There was one thing missing for me. I wished Sakiko had been on the trip. She had not been able to make because she was hosting a friend from Tokyo who was visiting.
What were some of the peak moments of your life? Perhaps you had reached the summit of mountain and were surrounded by a breathtaking view of a forest filled valley below, lakes, and the other mountain snow capped peaks in the horizon. Or maybe you received news that you’d been admitted to your dream school. Or were eating the most delicious food you’d ever tasted in a meal. Or maybe you were at listening to a person, thinking this is my new favorite musician. Whatever that moment, if you were alone, you likely felt like you wish you could have shared it with someone else.
We are made for connection with others. The Scriptures tell us that when God made human beings he said, “ Let us make them in our image” (Genesis 1:27). God is triune, a community of Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. When we experience connection, we are honouring our design as beings made in the image of the triune God.
When we connect in healthy ways with others and with God we are experiencing our sexuality in a healthy way.
Genital sex is just one aspect of our larger sexuality: the Greek word Eros from which get the word erotic is usually associated with the desire for sex itself and it can mean this, but Eros can also refer to the affection we feel when we spend time with family, good friends; the joy we feel when we play and laugh, the life we experience when we offer ourselves in sacrificial love for others. 1
When we experience our sexuality—our longing to connect and give life--in healthy ways, we live with joy and freedom. When we don’t experience our sexuality in healthy ways, we live with frustration and heartache.
Our sexual energy is a powerful force in which sex can lead to ecstasy or to despair; it can lead to heaven and can drag us to hell. Ronald Rolheiser author of The Holy Longing, says it is the most powerful of all fires, the best of all fires, the most dangerous of all fires… and the fire which ultimately lies at the base of almost everything, including the spiritual life.
A rule of life around sex will enable us to channel the river of our sexuality in ways that honour God’s design for us and bring life to others.
A rule of life around sex will help establish good boundaries, which rather than being unnecessarily constricting, will lead to greater wholeness and freedom. (Many of us think of boundaries as negative, but the right boundaries help to set us free. If you define a place for children to play, they will play with more freedom and abandon than if they are not sure where the boundaries are. An artist will have more freedom to paint, if they have some kind of frame they are working in, than if they have no border at all. All cultures throughout history--even the ones we might call wild and primitive--have recognized the power of sex. So while celebrating the gift of sex, they have constructed taboos around certain sexual behaviors.)
Before I talk about some practical elements around a rule, I want to speak about the biblical perspective on sex.
Casual sex
Our culture is naïve about the power of sex.
Our culture speaks of casual sex, will describe a sexual encounter as “no big deal.” In an episode of the popular sitcom Friends, Monica is talking to a guy and she ask, “Can we still be friends and have sex?” “Sure,” he replied. "It’ll just be something we do together--like playing racquetball.”
We all know that having sex with someone and playing racquetball are very different things. If you’re in a committed relationship with someone else—you know how you’d feel if your partner says, “I’m playing racquetball with Kelly” vs. “I’m having sex with Kelly.” (Or my boss forced me to play racquetball is very different forced my boss forced me to have sex).
Even when sex doesn’t feel particularly bonding, it knits people together in a mysterious, powerful way that may not be sensed by one or both partners.
When a “promise” is offered through a person’s body and is not honored through some kind of commitment, it can lead to a feeling of being used, heartbreak, and in some cases deep anger and depression (which is anger turned inward).
Sex was designed by God as a gift like none other: the Scriptures teach that God created sex as a unitive act that not only connects a man and a woman’s body, but also their souls, making two people one. God designed sex so that when a man and a woman came together physically in sexual union, there was also a powerful force that made them want to unite on every other level, as well: emotionally, spiritually and economically. Sex was designed so that when you get physically naked with someone, you also wanted to get naked in your soul with someone, an act of union so sublime that it used in Scripture as a metaphor of our union with God.
I know this sounds radical in our culture, but listen to Gordon Neufeld, a well-respected Vancouver psychologist, who writes from a secular perspective in his book, Hold Onto Your Kids:
Sex is a potent bonding agent: It creates couples, attaches to each other those who engage in it. Studies have confirmed what most of us will have found out on our own, that making love has a natural bonding effect, evoking powerful emotions of attachment in the human brain… Simply put, sex creates a potent connection and then harnesses the rest of the brain to preserve the bond that has been created.
Sex creates couples, ready or not, willing or not… Sex is like human contact cement, invoking a sense of union and fusion, creating one flesh…
(P. 195)
Sex uniting two, making them one sex expressed in the framework of God’s design, in the context of a committed, loving marriage can bring joy, delight, and life, but if misused can also lead to heartbreak or hardening, i.e., hardening our heart and inability to bond with others.
Psychologist Gordon Neufeld writes:
One of the ultimate costs of emotional hardening is that sex loses its potency as a bonding agent. The long-term effect is soul numbing impairing young people’s capacity to enter into relationships in which true contact and intimacy are possible.
When sex is used outside of God’s design, we experience either heartache or heart hardening. One of the apparent upsides of becoming hardened is that we feel sexually freer. The downside is that it our capacity to experience true sexual intimacy and lasting fulfillment is impaired.
Some of you here have said in your mind as long as I’m single—there’s no way I’m going to live out what the Scriptures teach about sex. If I’m attracted to someone, I’m going to sleep with them. God is saying here in 1 Corinthians 6 flee from sexual immorality—not because I want wreck your party—but because when you unite yourself to someone sexually you’re not in a covenant relationship with you become one with the person and will have less of yourself to offer another person. In the George Clooney’s recent movie Up in the Air (show slide) he plays the character named Ryan who can’t commit to a relationship. At one point in the movie Natalie Ryan’s colleague asks Ryan questions about Alex a woman Ryan has been romantically involved with. "So, what kind of relationship do you have?" He tells her that it's casual, and Natalie asks if there's a future. Ryan tells that he hadn't thought about it, but Natalie becomes annoyed. Ryan tries to explain: "You know that moment when you look into someone's eyes and you can feel them staring into your soul and the whole world goes quiet just for a second?" Natalie nods, "Yes!" Ryan declares, "Yeah, well, I don't." Alex tells him that he has set up a way of life that makes it impossible for him to have any kind of human connection. You probably know people like Ryan people who can’t seem to commit any kind of relationship for more than 6 months or a year. In some case people simply don’t want to commit to another person. In other cases seem to be unable to commit to another person because they offered themselves sexually to so many partners that they don’t much of a self to offer another. When we commit sexual sin we’re not breaking some kind abstract moral code, but we are sinning against ourselves, as we compromise our capacity to connect deeply with others.
When sex is used outside of God’s design, whether through pornography, so-called casual sex, or sex outside of a covenant relationship, sex can become addictive because a person experiences a momentary high, but not lasting satisfaction. Because sex outside of God’s design doesn’t bring lasting satisfaction, like junk food that doesn’t satisfy our real hunger, people find themselves craving more and more of it and may end up trapped in an addictive cycle. People need more and more of what doesn’t satisfy.
Some say with a smirk, but isn’t sexual addiction—the good kind of addiction?
Sexual may look good from the outside, but sexual addicts feel isolated and like they are living in misery.
Recently I talked to someone I know who works in the entertainment industry. She was telling me about a famous Hollywood star, a sex symbol, she works with. He has had sex with a string of different people he doesn’t know (people who are part of the cast, part of the crew, sometimes groupies). His lifestyle seems envious to many. His sexual conquests bring him fleeting pleasure, but according to person I know who works with him, they seem to leave him emptier and emptier--so he needs more and more of what doesn’t satisfy. People envy him, but he’s miserable.
The reason the Apostle Paul prohibits a person having sex with a prostitute is because he or she will become one with that person in body and soul.
Listen to what Paul says in 1 Corinthians 6:12-20:
12 "I have the right to do anything," you say—but not everything is beneficial. "I have the right to do anything"—but I will not be mastered by anything. 13 You say, "Food for the stomach and the stomach for food, and God will destroy them both." The body, however, is not meant for sexual immorality but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body. 14 By his power God raised the Lord from the dead, and he will raise us also. 15 Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never! 16 Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, "The two will become one flesh." 17 But whoever is united with the Lord is one with him in spirit.
18 Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins people commit are outside their bodies, but those who sin sexually sin against their own bodies. 19 Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; 20 you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.
Of all people, sex with a prostitute may not feel like it’s uniting to another person, just physically pleasurable. It may feel no big deal, but Paul says when you have sex with someone, even someone whose name we don’t know, something mysterious and real happens: Paul says “Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? Then quoting Genesis 2:24, he says, “For it is said the two will become one flesh.” When you are become one with someone and then tear yourself away, you either will experience heartache or heart hardening. Paul writes: Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins people commit are outside their bodies, but those who sin sexually sin against their own bodies. 19 Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God?
We sin against ourselves by impairing our capacity know others (as we’ve seen) and God.
Two weeks ago, in my message on A Mind for God, I cited CS Lewis: C.S. Lewis. He said that our bodies are the telescope through which we see God: “The instrument through which you see God is your whole self. And if a man [or woman’s] self is not kept clean and bright, his [or her] glimpse of God will be blurred—like the moon through a dirty telescope.”
A rule of life enables to say no to certain things, not for the sake of saying no—but in order to say a greater yes something. So it is with a rule around sexuality. We create certain boundaries not to say no, but a greater yes: “yes” to God, ourselves and others so that we can experience the gift of sexuality, not with heartache or heart hardening, but in ways that bring life, joy, intimacy, and connection.
What does a rule around sex look like? It will involve setting healthy boundaries, and channeling our sexual energy in ways that honor God (rule repressing, toning, rechanneling our eros)
Set boundaries
A part of our rule will include cultivation of sexual wholeness and purity by having healthy boundaries. When it comes to sexual boundaries, it obviously helps to have thought this through ahead of time, not trying to formulate a strategy in the blurry heat of passion, when our rational capacities are swept away by a powerful sexual attraction.
Lauren Winner in her book, Real Sex: The Naked Truth About Chastity (Show), in Chapter 6 gives some practical counsel on how to draw healthy sexual boundaries in the context of dating a relationship (the book is available at the book table in the back).
Lauren Winner, was single at the time when she started writing the book. She had been sexually active before coming to Christ. Then in her journey with Christ she came to a point where she was able to embrace God’s call to sexual purity and started dating a man named Griff who used to live here in Vancouver.
In a chapter entitled, On the Steps of the Rotunda:
‘Don’t do anything sexual that you wouldn’t feel comfortable doing on the steps of the rotunda.’ Griff and I took Greg’s words to heart, and even climbed up on to the rotunda steps one night and kissed to our heart’s content. Griff said, ‘That’s it. That’s our line. We won’t really feel very comfortable stripping our clothes off up here in front of the rotunda.’ And that became our mantra on the steps of the rotunda.”
That’s very practical counsel.
And it helps to have a practical boundary in advance.
Accountability friendships:
As Mardi talked about last week, having a friend (or pastor or spiritual director or counselor) can also help us talk through temptations we face.
All of us can experience times when the air gets thin for us and we lose our sense of judgment and our sense of perspective, times when we’re on the edge. One of the best ways to regain it is to have a friend who can speak the truth to us with enough force that we hear it. It can be embarrassing to talk about a sexual temptation we’re experiencing, but it can be also be freeing and can save us and others from heartache or heart hardening.
Love others
With friends
Our sexual drive is a longing to connect. We come into our world longing for connection--this may be why babies come into the world crying. If sexuality is about connecting, then fostering a health sexuality which includes healthy connection and intimacy with friends is an essential part of any rule for a person who wants to follower.
I have a friend I’ll call Ray. Ray is a single follower of Christ. One day he was feeling sexually restless. Though he no intention of actually doing this, he felt like going to a bar, picking up a woman, and having sex. He ended up going to a dinner party with friends, had good conversation, good food, and wine and through the richness of that experience found his sexual temptation had dissipated.
When we express our sexuality in healthy ways through conversation with friends over a meal, through shared laughter, through affirmation, and through touch, we experience connection.
One of the best things a married couple can do to honour and protect their marriage is to foster healthy intimacy with each other: emotionally, sexually, and by fostering healthy, growing friendships with each other and other people in their lives. According to respected psychologist Ron Halztman, when a spouse has an affair, most of the time the underlying reason is not primarily sexual. Most of these spouses are simply seeking understanding, validation, or love.
Whether we are single or married having healthy friendships can help you remain sexually pure. When we are deprived of healthy forms of intimacy, we are more vulnerable to engaging in unhealthy sexual behavior. Part of the reason why people engage in sex outside of marriage or turn to porn or engage in compulsive masturbation is because they want to experience a sense of intimacy and connection. Where there is excess, there is lack. G.K. Chesterton has said every man who knocks on the door of a brothel is looking for God. When our souls are lonely or dissatisfied in some way, the promise of sin looks more attractive. 2 If our soul is content and grateful, we are less likely to succumb to behavior which in the end leaves our souls emptier than before.
Sexuality is about connection. For many of us, a sense of being connected comes most powerfully through being with people.
Others feel most filled when creating or enjoying art, music, hiking, playing basketball. A friend of mine says when he is tempted to in engage in sexually unhealthy ways, he likes to play basketball with friends—something he loves to do. This may seem title trivial, but using our bodies in ways the bring life and joy helps us experience a healthy sexuality. Lauren Winner in her book, Real Sex, points out the junior high girls who played soccer were less likely to be involved sexually that girls who didn’t.3 When we use our body for something we love to do, whether it sports or playing music or creating art, it is a significant part in creating a sense of healthy connection and, therefore, a healthy sexuality.
Generative
As sexual beings, we desire to create new life in others. That desire may express itself in bear sons and daughters or to author life in some other way. Pursuing sexuality purity is not about throttling back our sexual energy, but channeling in ways that bring life to people.
Sexual energy enables us to create in others. It enables to nurture and protect something so that life is produced. Kathleen Norris a writer and poet who spent (most of) three years living at a Benedictine monastery in South Dakota describes how actual monks and nuns, confound the stereotype of being asexual and cold, and how members of a religious orders consciously sublimate their sexual energies so as to be able to love people around them more fully.4
In her book, The Cloister Walk, Kathleen describes her friendship with a celibate priest she calls Tom. His attention and capacity to listen and understand her inspired her to dive into old, half-finished poems and bring them to fruition. “Appreciating Tom’s presence in my life as a miraculous, unmerited gift helped me to place our relationship in its proper religious context,” 5 she writes, “and also to understand why it was that when I’d seek him out to pray with me, I’d always leave feeling so much better than when I came. This was celibacy at its best, a man’s sexual energies so devoted to the care of others that a few words could lift me out of despair, give me the strength to reclaim my life.”6
My younger sister was Hana was sought out by girls and boys in high school. Attractive and part of the popular crowd, she loved to go parties and dance. Stylish and chic, she was voted the best dressed person in graduating class. To many of her friends’ surprise, she ended up becoming a high school guidance counselor and teacher. At lunch time, instead of eating with the her fellow teachers, students, who don’t have friends and would end up otherwise eating alone, students would come her office and have lunch with her. My sister expressed sexuality, not just dancing and through her fashion, but also as she nurtured life in these withdrawn high school students through her welcome.
When we welcome someone in our circle in a way that enables them to recognize some of their beauty, when we help someone learn to develop a strength as a writer, teach them how to play football, when we plant a tree, when we create art, when we build a home for a family in need through a group like Habitat for Humanity, we create life in others. We are expressing our sexuality
Saying Yes to God
Part of a wise rule of life will include saying no to say yes.
Some of us here have said no to work one day a week, as way to yes to the rest and joy of Sabbath.
Some of us here have said no to over-indulgencing (perhaps especially during Lent) on junk food, and have felt more energy and clarity as a result.
When we say no to sex outside of God’s design—outside of marriage--, like saying no to working seven days a week or over indulgencing on junk food, we may feel a sense of loss, but we also gain the gifts of a heart that is whole, that enters more deeply into intimacy with God and wth other people.
Choosing this path of sexual purity and faithfulness--committing to reserve sex for marriage and for a single person--is a radical, counter-cultural way of saying yes to ourselves and our wholeness, yes to being able to give ourselves more wholly to others, and way of saying yes to God.
Monks and nuns take a vow in response to the call they sense from God and make a very particular sexual vow to God: to remain single and sexually chaste. This commitment baffles people. Members of religious orders, however, are not saying to say no to sex for sake of self-denial, but in order to say yes in a fuller way to God and people. By remaining single and sexually chaste, monks create a holy vacancy for God. The Priest Henri Nouwen, says of singleness, says we become empty for God, free, and open for his presence and available for his service. 7 I was with a friend in his early fifties who would like to get married, but feels may have a call to singleness. It’s lonely he says, but the gift of my singleness is that I feel more drawn to God. A person who commits to sexual chastity has a unique space for God and for people.
A person who chooses to offer up their right to be sexually, active or married, and sexually monogamous, become a sign of love and faithfulness to God in the world.
I was sitting in an outdoor square at Ateneo University in the Philippines with the late Father Thomas Green. I mustered courage… asked him about his vocation to the priesthood and to celibacy. He said, “Giving up marriage was something I chose to do because I wanted to give something precious for Jesus. If you were in my office and I were to give you a piece of art and said, I don’t like it. I want to get rid of it, ‘here.’ That wouldn’t honour you. I would honour you if I gave you something that was precious to me.”
People who give up sexual intimacy for lifetime--or a season of their lives—as single people committed to chastity, or married people committed to monogamy, give something precious to Jesus. They find they are more deeply connected to God themselves and have more of their whole selves to offer others. They experience more fully God’s gift of sexuality because they find themselves more connected to what matters most, eros, sexual energy to connection and give life…
When you hear a message like this, many people will have a mixed reaction because in light of God’s word we feel we have fallen short and have been compromised. But when we turn to God, there is always hope for a new beginning.
In his book Lost Among the Lilies, priest Ronald Rolheiser describes how he received a confession from an intelligent woman who had experienced everything sexually and had “sophisticated herself into a deep unhappiness.” “There was not a childlike bone in her body,” he writes, “and she had lost most of her virginity.” His prescription, “revirginization.”8
He describes the process using a metaphor of the forest:
Imagine a geographical terrain that has been ravaged by natural disaster like the fire that occurred in Yellowstone National Park that destroyed the forest (show slide), the grass, and blackened the ground.
However, given time and weather—the sun, the rains, the winds, the storm, the frost and snow—it, in a manner of speaking, revirginizes. The grass and trees and flowers grow back,(show slide) its vegetation returns to life and eventually its natural beauty returns. In a manner of speaking, its chastity returns, making it again “virgin territory.” So too with our hearts and minds: as soon as we stop through the illusion of familiarity and indiscriminate experience, they too regain, gradually, their virginity and begin to again blush in the wonder of knowing and loving. A chastity in knowing and loving returns.9
In beautiful passage in Ezekiel 36 we hear the God uttering a promise of bringing a cleansing rain and restoring us through his prophet:
25 I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean; I will cleanse you from all your impurities and from all your idols. 26 I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. 27 And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws.
The issue isn’t your past, but if you turn to God you can be forgiven by God and cleansed by God, and you can a new heart. And you can forgive yourself and live without guilt and shame and experience deep connections with God, yourself, and others.
Pray:
posted by Shigematsu at 5:12 PM
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